Young Ryan
by bluebel703
Summary: Kirsten and Sandy adopt a 5 yr old Ryan. Series of events that shape Ryan's life with and after the Cohen's starting when he is 5 PLEASE READ AND REVIEW...Lots of Ryan and Kirsten bonding and Ryan and Sandy bonding
1. Ryan's first month

Sandy and Kirsten wait nervously in the kitchen wringing their hands as the minutes tick by. The social worker delivering their new foster son Ryan was supposed to be here twenty minutes ago and they are beginning to get anxious. The doorbell rings loudly causing Kirsten to spill her wine and Sandy to stop mid-shmear. Quickly, they exchange apprehensive looks before running to the door.

A social worker, looking tired and overworked, gives them a wan smile before extending her hand.

"Hi I'm Melanie White with Child Services." Kirsten wipes her clammy, nervous hands on her pant leg before firmly shaking Melanie's hand. "And this is Ryan." Melanie has a firm grip on the boy's shoulder as if she is trying to keep him from running away. He is small for a 5 year old, skinny with dirty hair and clothing. Kirsten kneels down slowly so she is eye level with the little boy.

"Hi Ryan I'm Kirsten." Reluctantly, the boy raises his head to meet her eyes. A large black eye takes up most of his face and finger-shaped bruises surround his neck , his blue eyes are calculating, shy and fearful.

Sandy kneels down beside Kirsten looking grimly over the boy's bruised flesh. One of his contacts at social services said they had to pull this kid out of a locked cupboard. His mother was a drunk and a drug addict who had an endless string of mean, abusive boyfriends. This one had been by far the worse hospitalizing Trey and Ryan one time to many. His older brother Trey had gone to live with his biological father in Fresno but the man had refused to take Ryan. Ryan's own father was in prison for armed robbery.

"Hey kiddo I'm Sandy." Ryan regards him fearfully before trying to shrink further behind his social worker. Sandy knew before he even met Ryan that the poor kid was probably going to be scared shitless of him but it was still shocking to see the boy visibly shut down in front of him. The reaction is so different from Seth's constant affection and trust that Sandy still feels like he's been punched in the gut.

Ryan sits patiently on the couch as the adults work out the paper work and other technicalities. Kirsten watches him out of the corner of her eye nervously. He doesn't fidget and complain about the wait like Seth does. He doesn't ask questions or cry he just sits there, his face emotionless and somehow Kirsten knows that is the worst of all. The two other foster homes he was in were almost as bad as life with Dawn.

The first house was a young couple named Dave and Marie. They screamed at each other all the time and never talked to Ryan sometimes he didn't even know if they knew he was there. He had to get his food out of the garbage can most nights and once when he was four he tried to make soup and ended up burning the soup and spilling it on himself. They sent him back after that and he had a scar on his foot from where the scalding hot pot hit him.

The second house tried to home school Ryan but they got angry when Ryan didn't understand things and every time he got an answer wrong they wiped him with a leather belt and told him how stupid he was. Ryan was sure he was never ever going to go to school after that, he was too dumb anyways. When he went to church with a black eye the pastor's wife had called child services and his foster parents had gotten so mad they locked him up in a cupboard. Child Services came three days later.

"Ryan?" Ryan snaps his head up to see Kirsten looking at him like she's said his name twice already.

"I'm sorry." He mumbles, Marie hated it when he didn't listen.

"It's ok sweetheart it's been a long day." Ryan nods tensely. This is the worst part. When the social worker is there and everyone is acting nice and caring. The nicer they are now the worst it's going to be later Ryan thinks with a grimace. "I was just wondering if you want to see your room." Ryan nods in agreement briefly wondering how many kids he has to share it with.

The room is nothing like he imagined it would be. It's big with a real bed and a desk. The walls are a simple blue and bare and the fluffy duvet has superman on it.

"We left it bare so you could choose what you want to put in it." Kirsten explains nervously. "It's right beside our son Seth's room and look." Kirsten points to a tiny door connecting the two. You guy can have a secret passage to each other's room." Ryan gives the first hesitant smile he's given since he got dropped off here because that is pretty cool. His face goes impassive again.

"Do you like it kid?" Sandy asks gently.

"Yes." Ryan whispers causing Sandy to strain to hear.

"What was that?"

"I-I mean yes sir." Ryan quickly corrects taking a step back from Sandy. Sandy slowly walks over to Ryan and kneels down in front of him.

"No need to call me sir honey it's too formal for this house ok?" Ryan nods hesitantly, holding his breath. "How about some dinner kid?" Ryan gives another hesitant nod and waits for Sandy to leave before following Kirsten down to the kitchen.

"Mommy, mommy guess what!" Ryan's head snaps up as a brunette boy comes charging around the corner right in to Kirsten's legs. He watches with awe as Kirsten smiles adoringly and picks him up.

"What sweetheart?"

"Grandpa took me on a sailboat and says that he's going to take Grandma to Tahiti because that's her favorite place in the whole world and then we got Balboa bars and…" Seth stops mid-rambling to stare down at Ryan who as regarding his casual intimacy with Kirsten with a look of surprise and confusion. Seth squirms in Kirsten's arms and she obligingly releases him.

"Hi you must be Ryan. I'm Seth and I'm five. Mom and Dad say you're five too which is cool because then you can play with me and Captain Oats. Where are you from? Do you like it here? Did you like your room? Is superman really.."

"SETH!" Sandy says with a wry smile causing Ryan to flinch and Seth to look up expectantly. This was exactly the reason they had Caleb and Rose take Seth sailing while they got Ryan settled. "Let's eat dinner and you can ask Ryan your questions on at a time ok?" Seth shrugs in agreement and Kirsten and Sandy watch with amusement as he immediately starts peppering Ryan with questions. To their relief Ryan slowly becomes more comfortable with Seth's childlike questions.

After dinner Sandy watches the two kids play with plastic army men and action figures. Ryan is intensely careful with everything he touches not daring to bend the moveable limbs of the action figures and always placing everything gingerly back where he got it. Seth plays hard throwing the toys around jumping on the couches. Every time Seth's superman "dive bombs" from the top of the couch to the floor Ryan looks nervously back at Sandy who just smiles encouragingly.

"He's so scared" Kirsten whispers in his ear wrapping her arms around his midsection.

"It's going to take time honey."

Things go well for the first few days. Ryan is tentative with Sandy and Kirsten but is open with Seth. The night light in Ryan's room is more of a lamp considering his time locked in closets has taken the normal childhood fear of the dark to the next level. Toys, games and clothing have slowly begin to filter in but Ryan tended to leave his toys in the box and was so careful in his new clothes that he wouldn't play in them.

Kirsten sighs knowing the changes wouldn't occur overnight and being grateful that he had taken the small steps he already had. With a smile she finishes the write-up on the new development and sends the information to her father before looking at the clock. 1:30 AM, time for bed. She peeked quietly into Seth's room, listening for a moment to the reassuring sound of his breathing. Gently, she pulls the covers over his shoulders and brushes a kiss over his forehead. Instinctively, his five-year old self curls in towards his mother's touch.

"Night baby I love you." She whispers before exiting the room. Checking on Ryan was much more difficult. He woke, wide-eyed and fearful, at the slightest touch. As quietly as possible Kirsten eases the door open stopping dead when she sees Ryan's empty bed. She hadn't realized how attached she had gotten to the little, frightened boy until her blood turned cold at the sight of him missing.

Quickly she checks the closet and behind the door. It isn't until she checks under the bed that she notices a large, wet spot on the mattress. Ryan wet the bed. He's five it's not like she didn't think it wasn't going to happen, they even had a special kid's mattress that didn't let the moisture soak through because they expected it. Did he get scared and run away?

"SANDY" She yells frantically checking the linen cupboard as she rushes to his bedroom. "Sandy wake up Ryan's gone." Sandy blinks groggily a few times before sitting up to attention.

"What do you mean gone?" He asks urgently before jumping out of the bed.

"He wet the bed and I think he got scared." Sandy swears under his breath and the two search the entire house. Being unable to find him Kirsten grabs the car keys and Sandy carries a semi-conscious Seth out to his own car.

It's one of the three nights it's rained all summer and Kirsten hopes to god he's still in the house somewhere. Two minutes down the road Kirsten spots a tiny figure shivering under a tree.

"RYAN!" She quickly pages Sandy that she found him and runs out to the little boy. He's wearing the same PJs he went to bed in and they sport a large wet spot. The tree hasn't done much to shelter him from the rain and his eyes are wide and frightened.

"Oh thank god." Kirsten exclaims picking him up and cradling him close to her chest not caring about his boundary issues at the moment. "Are you ok? Are you hurt?" He shakes his head negatively but that doesn't stop her from quickly checking him over.

"Let's go home ok?" She asks forcing herself to be calm as she carries his trembling body to the car. He has barely looked at her since she found him and doesn't make eye contact as she quickly straps him in to his car seat and speeds up to the house.

Sandy is waiting with a large blanket the moment they enter. Without hesitation he swoops Ryan up to and caries him to the kitchen quickly changing him out of the cold, wet PJs and wrapping him up in the duvet.

"You gave us quite the scare there little man." He says softly setting Ryan down on his lap. Ryan doesn't go to crawl off but holds himself stiffly. "Everybody has accidents kid you don't need to be afraid when that happens." Sandy continues softly. "But you can't run away ok? No matter what. Can you promise me that kid?" Ryan thinks for a moment before nodding his acquiescence. Kirsten approaches and gently plants a kiss on Ryan's forehead.

"I'm glad you're ok baby." Ryan nods then hops off Sandy's lap and runs to his room. Kirsten and Sandy share a look of confusion before Ryan returns holding one of his new leather belts. He offers it timidly to Sandy before turning around and lifting his shirt.

Sandy stares in dumb shock for a moment at what this child is offering before Kirsten's gasp takes him out of his trance.

"Ryan, sweetheart, come here." Fear only evident in his eyes Ryan walks slowly over to Sandy. Sandy gently cups Ryan's neck and then places him on his lap.

"Kid I will never, ever hit you." Ryan looks shocked but relaxes marginally. "Sometimes you'll make me mad, or worried, or sad but I will never ever in a million years hit you with my hands or with a belt ok."

"Ok." Ryan whispers the confusion still etched on his face.

"When the other men hit you like that they were wrong ok? That's not how people should act and it's certainly not how Kirsten and I act." Ryan glances at Kirsten for confirmation and she nods encouragingly.

"It's been a long day sweetie let's get you to bed." Ryan nods and runs up to his room with Kirsten on his heels. His bed is fitted with fresh sheets and he smiles uncertainly at Kirsten.

"Next time you have an accident you tell Sandy or I ok?"

"What if you're asleep?" Kirsten thinks of Seth who wakes them up constantly for a glass of water or to ask a random question.

"That's ok you can wake us up." She reassures him pulling the covers up to Ryan's chin. "Goodnight sweetheart."


	2. Ryan's thunder storm

A loud clap of thunder wakes Ryan up immediately and he quickly clutches his pillow to his chest, frightened. Of course the one weekend Seth was away was the night Thor decided to break out his chariot and bring the storm to Newport. A flash of lightening lights up Ryan's entire room before shutting off the power causing Ryan to sit up, petrified in the dark.

Tearfully, Ryan hides in the dark closet shaking with fear as tears stream down is face. The door opens slowly and Ryan slides all the way back when the footsteps enter his room. Only bad men come in the dark. Tears blur his vision as he quivers waiting for the inevitable.

"Ryan?" Kirsten's voice rings out but he's too scared to call out for her, paralyzed with terror. The doors open and she is looking down at him with sympathy and concern.

"Hey sweetie." She crawls in beside him slowly. Ryan claps his hands over his ears and closes his eyes as she sits puts an arm around her shoulder trying to ignore the defensive walls he put up.

"It's pretty scary in this closet." She whispers. "Why don't we go to the kitchen where there is more light?"

"I'm not scared." Ryan says despite his pale face and the fact that his nails are making half-moons on his arm. Before Kirsten can respond another clap of thunder rolls causing the house to shake briefly. Ryan instantly buries his face into Kirsten's shoulder and she takes the moment to pull him into her lap.

"It's ok sweetheart." She whispers rocking him gently. "It's ok you're being so brave." She carefully picks him up and carries him down to the kitchen where Sandy has already lit some candles.

"Hey look who decided to join us." Ryan bashfully lifts his tear-stained face to Sandy before rubbing it tiredly into Kirsten's neck.

"Hey Kiddo you don't like storms either eh?" He says taking him from Kirsten's arms as Kirsten quickly boils hot chocolate thankful the gas is still working.

"On the bright side you get to have hot chocolate at night that's kind of cool!" Sandy says rubbing Ryan's back as the little boy sits rigidly on Sandy's knee. The boy still is still not 100 comfortable with Sandy's signs of affection and is usually wooden when Sandy touches or carries him. Kirsten takes him in his arms as soon as the hot chocolate is ready pleasantly surprised when Ryan curls up in her lap, shaking from the aftermath of another thunder clap. Kirsten rests his chin on his head slowly rocking him.

"Shh I promise I won't let anything happen to you." Kirsten whispers. "You're safe here." Kirsten tries not to wince as the lightening makes Ryan's fingers dig into her neck. Sandy gives her a soft smile over the top of Ryan's head as she continues to rock him listening as his breaths start to even out.

They're halfway up the stairs when another flash of lightening causes Ryan's eyes to flutter open. His clutch on Kirsten isn't as desperate but is definitely needy and she by passes Ryan's room for hers and Sandy's.

"I don't like the storm." Ryan says drowsily. His head bouncing softly on Kirsten's shoulder as she walks up the mini-stairwell to her and Sandy's bedroom.

"I know sweetheart." Kirsten replies softly lying him down in her bed. "I promise I'll keep you safe." She whispers. Kirsten lies down beside Ryan her heart swelling as he cuddles into her.

**PLEASE REVIEW!!**

**Thanks to all the reviews thus far you are all very inspiring**


	3. Ryan's first day of school

Ryan lay awake all night thinking of how he could avoid going to his first kindergarten class tomorrow. The Cohen's have been really nice to him but they don't know the truth that Jamie new after his homeschool preschool. They don't know he's stupid and unfocused and that he can't do what the other kids can do so easily.

The door creaks open and Ryan immediately closes his eyes. He knows it's Kirsten or Sandy. Late every night one of them would tip-toe in and call him nice names like sweetheart or baby and kiss his forehead thinking he was asleep. Truth was he woke up every time the door creaked open.

"I can't believe they're starting kindergarten tomorrow." Ryan feels Kirsten's cool hand brush his bangs off his face and he wonders for the millionth time why Dawn wasn't like this.

"They'll be fine Kirsten they're good kids." Sandy's low whisper makes Ryan instinctively cringe in fear. "They're smart kids." Kirsten sniffles and Ryan suppresses a smile at the feel of her lips brushing his forehead.

"Goodnight baby…I love you." She whispers and Ryan feels his mouth go dry. She loves him? He likes that she loves him and knows that tomorrow when she finds out he' s stupid she'll stop loving him. He grabs his covers tight and tries to figure how to tell Sandy and Kirsten he's too dumb for school.

"Morning sweetheart. Time to get up big first day today." Kirsten wakes Ryan with a big smile. "You get ready and meet us downstairs for a special breakfast ok?" Kirsten can hear the soft laughs and conversation of Sandy helping Seth get ready next door. The boys were so different when Seth wanted his parents to dress him and help him get ready Ryan insisted he could 'do it himself' and always refused help. This usually meant Kirsten retying Ryan's shoes and fixing mismatched buttoning jobs but whatever made him feel more comfortable. Kirsten gave him a reassuring kiss on the head then ran downstairs to see how Rosa was coming with breakfast.

20 minutes later Seth was babbling impatiently waiting for Ryan. The boys had immediately become best friends and Kirsten had quickly made some calls to Seaview Elementary to get them in the same kindergarten class.

"Mom why is he taking so long?" Seth asks impatiently before stuffing more pancakes into his mouth.

"I'll go check." Ryan was always early, never wanting to make them wait or worry and right now Kirsten was doing both.

"Ryan?" Seeing the empty room immediately gives Kirsten a flashback to the night Ryan had wet the bed. Slowly Kirsten crouches down and lifts the skirt of the bed. A place she promised Ryan he could hide when he felt like running away.

He was still in his PJs holding a pillow like a teddy bear something so intensely vulnerable and childlike that Kirsten is immediately taken aback.

"Sweetheart what's wrong?" He doesn't respond and just regards her with wide apologetic eyes. After a momentary hesitation Kirsten slithers under the bed next Ryan thinking briefly about her wrinkled outfit.

"Starting a new school is scary huh?" She prompts gently wanting to give him time to work out his feelings but knowing they have to leave in about 15 minutes. Ryan nods a little and she breathes in relief.

"Seth will be there, and if you miss us or you get scared you can call us anytime ok?" She starts rubbing soothing circles on his back. "You're teacher, Mrs. Murphy, is really nice and you get to learn all sorts of new things. You'll even learn to read on your own so you can tell me bedtime stories." Ryan immediately stiffens at this and shifts away

"No!"

"Ryan, honey you have to go to school."

"I'm not going."

"Ryan…"

"NO!" Ryan gets out from under the bed but is quickly caught by Sandy.

"Hey kiddo why aren't you dressed?" Ryan tries to squirm out of Sandy's reach but Sandy continues to hold the wriggling little boy.

"Hi honey." Sandy smirks to his wife as she crawls out from under the bed, hair fazzled with Ryan's sock stuck on her shirt. Kirsten glares at Sandy then kneels down in front of Ryan who is becoming increasingly upset.

"Now what seems to be the problem buddy?" Sandy asks, gently wiping a fallen tear from Ryan's cheek.

"I don't want to go to school." Sandy nods and sits next to him.

"Hey I don't blame you, the playground it's too big for my liking all the swings and the see-saws. Not to mention the fact that there will be all these friends to be made who wants that? And Mrs Murphey sometimes lets the kids bring comic books for show-and-tell, preposterous if you ask me." Ryan's head is cocked slightly and his excitement is obviously mounting at the thought of kindergarten.

"I promise it will be ok." Kirsten soothes pulling the little boy close to her.

"No." Ryan announces stubbornly.

"Why not kid?" Sandy has his lawyer voice on and in about 5 minutes Kirsten is going to rip the PJs off her young charge. Her momentary anger fades when Ryan's eyes fill up with tears.

"Jamie says I'm too stupid for school." Kirsten and Sandy share a look of grim surprise but Ryan blinks back the almost tears and juts his chin out angrily. "I'm not going if I'm gonna look like an idiot." Sandy squats down in front of Ryan and cups his neck.

"Kid you're not stupid. You're one of the brightest kids I met. Remember when we went to Caleb's office and he showed you how to make a proper triangle." Ryan nods hesitantly and Sandy continues "That means you're smart. The people who said those things are wrong."

"What if they're wrong again?" Ryan asks nervously as Kirsten unbuttons his pajama top.

"They won't be." Kirsten pipes up guiding his arms through the sleeves of his new polo and gently pulling it over his head.

"Ryan c'mon" Seth wines as Kirsten helps Ryan out of his PJ bottoms and into new underpants and khakis. "I heard Mrs. Murphey's a monster. Liam says she ate his older brother's dog for breakfast."

Ryan looks at Kirsten with pure horror on her face and she abruptly stops pulling up his socks.

"Mrs. Murphey is very nice." Seth shrugs and starts chattering non-stop about recess games and finding Captain Oats a friend. Ryan is even quieter than usual full of anxiety.

"Don't worry Ryan." Seth says solemnly. "Mommy and I won't let Mrs. Murphey eat you." Ryan nods equally solemnly.

"I won't let her eat you either." Sandy and Kirsten share a faint smile knowing that Seth has offered more reassurance than either one of the parents could have.

"Early court date." Sandy says looking at his watch. "Both of you be good for your mother." He chides gently kissing both boys on the head. Something indefinable passes across Ryan's face when she calls Kirsten his mother but she is hustling both boys out the door before he can clear anything up. He's not sure if he wants anything to be cleared up.

Both boys are now nervous and Kirsten keeps looking back to the serious 5-year olds strapped in their car seats. Even Seth's incessant nattering has subsided to silence as they pull into the parking lot.

Kirsten holds both boys hands protectively as they walk towards the class. A dozen or so other mothers hover uncertainty torn between showing their children that they care and not wanting to suffocate them.

Kirsten kneels down between both of them and they look at her like she has the magic key.

"Have fun today boys. I'm so proud of you." She kisses Seth on the forehead then repeats the same gesture with Ryan. Both boys head in to the classroom and she releases a deep breath and walks out the door swiping at the stray tears.

"KIRSTEN!" Ryan's usually quiet voice booms from across the parking lot and she quickly turns to see him sobbing hysterically at the entrance to the school. He starts to cross the road and she quickly bolts to him not checking for cars.

"Ryan stop!" He's about to walk out on the road but is stopped by Seth who is holding him by his jacket and babbling about how he's not allowed to cross the road.

"Seth it's ok go inside please." Seth nods and runs inside with the teacher as Kirsten picks Ryan up and holds him close to her.

"Please don't leave me." Kirsten suddenly thinks of Dawn and all the other women who have left him surely he doesn't think…

"Oh sweetheart." He sobs into her shoulder and Kirsten gently rocks him in her arms. "Honey I'll be right here when school gets out I promise ok."

"You're not giving me and Seth away to Mrs. Murphey?" Kirsten stifles a small chuckle berating herself for not explaining 'school' to him earlier.

"Never sweetheart. I'm never giving you to anybody. It's hard enough sharing you with Sandy." She kisses away the last of his tears and holds him close as he calms down.

"Let's get you back to class ok?" His tough little boy façade is back and he nods in agreement. "No crossing the roads without parents remember." She chides as she walks him up the stairs. Ryan nods and a moment later they are in front of his class. He walks in without a glance back and she likes to think it's because he trusts her but she knows it because he thinks she's abandoning him.

"Ryan." She calls out when he's a few steps in. "I will be back for you at 3 ok." A bit of tension drains from Ryan's face and Seth calls him over to play.

"Mrs. Murphey?" The kind old, dog-eating, lady walks over with a smile. "Ryan's had some bad experiences…" Mrs. Murphey's face crinkles in understanding.

"I'll keep an eye out Mrs. Cohen."

**PLEASE REVIEW!!**

**If there are any situations that people would like to see Ryan in let me know and I'll right it up for you.**

**I know there isn't a lot of Seth Ryan but I'm not very good at writing Seth and I really enjoy writing about Ryan and the parents but I'll try to add some Seth/Ryan touches (not in THAT way but you know what I mean)**

**Thanks for the reviews so far**


	4. Ryan's first grounding

**A/N This goes out to Keydazy who wanted a little Luke little Ryan show-down so I hope this is does it for you! **

**DISCLAIMER—the oc is not mine**

Ryan sat quietly at the lunch table eating the lunch Rosa had packed him. As soon as he finishes he roots around to find the surprise Kirsten always left in their lunch bags on Fridays.

"Hey Seth what did you get?" Ryan asks over Summer's head. Seth holds up a chocolate bar identical to Ryan's and they share a smirk before Seth goes back to pulling Summer's hair. Ryan didn't understand why the boy always hung around Summer if her cooties were as bad as Seth said they were.

"Thanks for the chocolate loser." Luke says grabbing the bar from beside Seth. Seth looks down despondently accepting the bullying without a fight.

"Give it back Luke" Summer growls.

"What are you gonna do if I don't"

"I'll tell my Daddy." She says haughtily crossing her arms.

"Just give it back Luke, please." Seth says softly, embarrassed Summer has to stick up for him.

"Make me you big baby…Aww look at this 'hope you have a good day I love you loads Mom. Isn't that cute." Luke mocks causing group of boys behind him to start giggling. Ryan fingers his own note which says exactly the same thing substituting 'Kirsten' for 'Mom' and flushes red.

"Stop it!" Seth whines on the verge of tears as Luke slowly unwraps his chocolate bar.

"Make me! You gonna cry to your mommy." Luke sneers again.

"Leave him alone!" Ryan says angrily. He knew Seth didn't like it when Ryan stopped the bullies but he didn't want his brother to get humiliated. For once Seth shoots Ryan a thankful look.

"Don't talk to me." Luke says walking over. "My mom says you're from Chino and my cousin says that people from Chino are like rats, they're dirty and will take everything you own."

Ryan's anger bubbles to the surface at Luke's comment.

"Yeah you're poor." Another boy mocks sensing Ryan's embarrassment.

"No he's not!" Seth says sensing Ryan's discomfort. "Ryan has as much money as me." Luke snorts and shoves Seth out of the way and heading over to Ryan.

"No he doesn't My cousin says that your Mom and Dad just keep Ryan around cause he's a charity case and that they'll send him back with his real mom once she gets out of the sewers." Ryan kicks Luke hard in the shins.

"Take it back my mom isn't in the sewers." Ryan says angrily. Luke, angry that Ryan got the first kick sneers at his.

"Yah she's really poor and doesn't even like you anymore so she gave you away to the Cohen's and now the Cohen's are gonna give you away too when I tell Mr. Murphey you kicked me." Ryan suddenly feels the fear wash over him like ice water. Luke was going to tell the Cohen's and then they are going to hate him.

"Now get out of my way." Luke says with a little shove. Ryan firmly stands his ground like Trey used to do when people told him to move.

"I said move." Luke repeats giving Ryan a hard shove.

"Ryan just move" Seth mumbles nervously when Ryan doesn't back away.

"Sandy says you mommy's a vulture." Ryan says with a cold smile to Luke. Luke's face turns beat red and he runs, full force, at Ryan tackling him on the cement. The two boys grapple roughly as Summer starts to cry and Seth starts to try and pull Luke off of Ryan.

"Mr. Atwood, Mr. Ward what is going on!" Mrs. Murphey had been dragged across the playground by the meek Marissa Cooper. Mrs. Murphey immediately untangles the grappling children.

"Mrs Murphey!" Seth runs up with tears in his eyes. "You can't tell me my parents. Luke says they'll send Ryan back." Mrs. Murphey feels badly for the little boy and knows that the possibility of Ryan being sent back is very real. People are capable of handling the failures of their own children but not of others. She smiles sadly at Seth but knows she has to tell the child's parents.

Both Luke and Ryan get lectured by the principal and patched up by the nurse as the parents are called in from work.

Ryan listens as the sound of high heels stops and Kirsten's worried voice drifts through the door. Luke smirks as tears immediately form in Ryan's eyes.

"Told you they're getting ready to send you back right now, even Seth thinks so." Ryan doesn't reply but starts slowly going over the alphabet like his brother taught him when Ryan used to cry easier.

"Ryan you got in to a fight?" Kirsten says anger laced in with her worry. Refusing to meet her eyes Ryan stares down at his lap desperately trying to stop any tears from leaking out. Gently, Kirsten raises his chin and brushes his bangs sideways to view the damage.

"Did you tell the nurse everywhere it hurt?"Ryan nods obediently hoping that if he's really good and really quiet and doesn't complain at all then maybe they'll let him stay.

"You don't think I need to take him to the hospital?" Kirsten asks the nurse, still crouching in front of Ryan.

"No m'am both boys sustained only minor injuries. The principal is ready for you both." The nurse says casting a glance at the Wards who are also fussing over Luke.

"Kid's can't live with 'em." Mr. Ward jokes to Kirsten.

"Sorry about this Carson" Kirsten says reaching down to take Ryan's hand. Ryan acquiesces shyly feeling bad he made Kirsten want to live without kids. What if she sends Seth out too? Kirsten continues to joke with Carson as Ryan walks beside silently feeling hugely guilty.

Kirsten nods along as the principal talks about respect, morals and zero tolerance for bullying. The way the principal's eyes slide over to Ryan in poorly disguised disdain make Kirsten's blood boil.

"Well I'm sure both boys are to blame." Carson says uneasily seeing the prejudice as well.

"Right well Ryan did start the fight." Ryan remains tight-lipped even though his head is screaming about Luke picking on Seth and making fun of Kirsten's chocolate bars which Ryan happens to love.

"Ryan is this true?" Kirsten asks.

"Yes mam." He whispers still not meeting his eyes.

"Ryan, honey, was there a reason why you kicked Luke?" Ryan knows she'll only be madder if he starts making up excuses.

"No mam." Ryan feels the disappointment radiating off Kirsten and he drops his head even lower.

The principal and parents deliberate for longer and Ryan's stomach churn as Kirsten promises punishment.

"Ok well Ryan has to spend recess indoors all week and Luke gets a warning does that seem fair to everyone." Both Kirsten and Carson nod hesitantly and Luke looks slightly guilty as they all leave the room.

"Ryan honey I need you tell me what made you start a fight with Luke. Fighting isn't ok you know that." Kirsten says patiently as Ryan sits rigidly on his bed.

"It was my fault." Kirsten throws her hands up in frustration

"I suggest you come up with a better reason before Sandy gets home." Kirsten warns without thinking the comment through. "You are on time-out until then understand. No leaving the room." Ryan nods in agreement waiting until Kirsten leaves before crawling under the bed with his pillow and hugging it tightly.

"He just kicked him for no reason?" Ryan hears Sandy's voice boom up the stairs and immediately gets out from under the bed. It would make everything worse to show weakness.

"Ryan?" Sandy knocks on the door and Ryan tenses up as it opens. "Hey kid. You wanna tell me what happened at school today?"

"I kicked Luke." Ryan mutters refusing to meet Sandy's eye. Sandy notices the kids tense posture and wisely stays in the doorframe putting a large distance between them.

"Why would you do that? You know that it's not nice to kick people'.

"Sorry."

"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to kid." Sandy says firmly. Ryan clenches his jaw wishing they'd just kick him out already.

"Daddy!" Seth runs up breathless from running up the stairs his backpack still on. "Daddy you can't kick Ryan out it wasn't his fault I don't want him to live in sewers!" Sandy looks at Seth with disbelief.

"Ryan isn't going anywhere, especially not to live in a sewer Seth who gave you that idea." Ryan opens his mouth to shut Seth up but Seth blasts on.

"Luke stole my chocolate bar, which was mean because I was going to give half- to Summer and then he started making fun of the note that Mommy wrote on it and then Ryan asked him to give it back and then Luke called Ryan a charity case." Seth stumbles over charity case obviously unsure of the meaning before realizing it's not important and continuing. "And then Luke said that Ryan was poor and his mom lived in sewers and that you were going to send him back and then Ryan said take it back but Luke didn't and then Summer said he was forced to fight to defend his honor." Seth says the last part with the care of someone obviously repeating a quote verbatim

"Seth go downstairs and order dinner with your mother please."

"Daddy you can't send Ryan away." Seth cries hysterically grabbing his father's pant leg.

"Seth it's ok." Ryan says softly. Sandy notice's Ryan's packed bag for the first time and his expression turns more grim.

"No one is going anywhere Seth ok now go downstairs." Satisfied he'll get his way Seth runs down the steps calling for his mother.

Ryan tenses immediately once Seth leaves and he is alone with an obviously angry Sandy.

"That wasn't very nice what Luke said." Sandy says softly wishing, not for the first time, he could protect his foster son from the prejudice and evil of the world.

"Did it hurt your feelings to have him say those things?" Sandy asks trying desperately to get a verbal answer out of the kid. Ryan just shrugs feigning nonchalance.

"Did you think Luke was telling the truth?" Ryan shrugs again and Sandy realizes he's going to have to find a way to not ask yes or no questions.

"Look at me kiddo." Sandy says softly waiting till Ryan hesitantly raises his head. "Being from Chino is nothing to be ashamed of. All through your life you are going to meet a billion Luke Wards who think they are better then you for no reason at all besides the zip code they were born in. Those kids don't know you and you're a big boy now you don't let people make you feel bad about yourself ok?" Ryan nods in an agreement trying to get Luke's words out of his head.

"Second of all no fighting." Sandy says firmly. "I will never lay a hand on you and I expect that you won't lay a hand on anyone else. If someone picks on you or Seth you tell a teacher ok, especially if they say things as hurtful as Luke." Sandy can tell Ryan is finally listening and though he doesn't really believe that Ryan will never ever fight again he hopes this will clean up his act.

"Third and most important thing" Sandy continues cupping Ryan's neck forcing the kid to make eye contact. "Kirsten and I will never, ever, ever kick you out. There is nothing in the world you could do to make us stop loving you. You're a kid you're going to make mistakes we know that and that's ok. Seth makes mistakes, Kirsten makes mistakes, even I have been known to make an error or two in judgement and don't even get me started on your Grandpa Caleb." Ryan smiles slightly as Sandy takes advantage of Ryan's relaxation to put a comforting arm around the small boy. Ryan tenses momentarily then relaxes.

"Uh-oh it's the wicked witch of the west." Kirsten glares at Sandy good-naturedly before leaning down to be eye-level with Ryan.

"Seth told me what happened with Luke." Kirsten says gently. "Sweetheart why didn't you say anything?" Ryan squirms uncomfortably under Kirsten's gaze and offers a shrug.

"Words please Ryan." Kirsten says firmly. She knows how important it is for Ryan to verbalize his feelings and his thought processes or they'll never get anywhere with him.

"The principal already made up her mind. I didn't want to get in more trouble by disagreeing with her." Ryan mumbles.

"You have to stand up for yourself sweetheart. If I had known I would have stood up for you too ok?" Kirsten kisses the top of head and lays a gentle hand on his bruised cheek. "I want you to let me know if it hurts more ok?" Still getting over the surprise they are being nice Ryan just nods and blinks up at her in confusion.

"Tomorrow you apologize to Luke for kicking him." Even Sandy gives Kirsten a slightly incredulous look but sighs in agreement when her face offers no room for negotiation. "No play station and no friends after school for a week understood?"

"Yeah." Ryan mumbles knowing that a grounding is better than a hitting. Seth calls for them to hurry up and Sandy and Kirsten get up to leave.

"Kirsten?" Ryan asks softly before she leaves the room. "Is it true that my mommy gave me away because she doesn't love me anymore?" Ryan looks up to Kirsten with childish eyes, tears being to percolate. A lump forms in Kirsten's throat and she sits down beside him.

"No sweetheart I'm sure you mother loves you very, very much." Kirsten answers fighting to keep her voice level. She didn't know how to explain to Ryan that Dawn had left a drunken message on their answering machine saying that the little twerp was no longer her problem and that she never wanted to see Ryan again. Somewhere in there she knows Dawn loves Ryan.

"You gave me a birthday party and took me to school and let me sleep in your bed." Ryan says still confused. "If my mommy loved me why didn't she do that? Why did she let them take me away?" His voice breaks at the end as he sniffs back a sob.

"Sweetheart I don't think your mother ever meant to hurt your feelings." Kirsten says unsure of how to answer such a difficult question. "Mother's make mistakes too, and I think that when your Mom started making mistakes that hurt you and your brother it hurt her heart. Sometimes when people's heart hurts they get so focused on their own pain they don't notice the pain they are causing the people around them does that make sense?" Ryan considers for a moment and then nods.

"And your mom didn't have a choice about Child Services taking you away." Kirsten says putting an arm around Ryan and running a gentle hand up and down his arm. "Child Services won't let you go back until her heart feels better and she can show you how much she loves you." Kirsten has a feeling this great moment of healing will never happen for Dawn but that is not a conversation to have with a 5-year old boy.

"What if her heart never gets better?"

"Then you stay with us." Kirsten says with a smile pulling Ryan on to her lap. "You will never have to go away from here Ryan I promise. If one day your mommy gets better and you want to live with her then Sandy and I will support you and love you anyways but if that doesn't happen you will stay right here." Kirsten says pulling him close to her body. Comforted by the soft promise Ryan swipes at the stray tears leaking from his eye and sets his head on Kirsten's shoulder.

"Want to go get dinner sweetheart…I hear there is chocolate cake." Ryan smiles tentatively and nods before running down the hall to food and Seth's chatter

**Please review and let me know if you want to see the cohens+1 in any situation**

**Thanks to all reviewers**


	5. Ryan's first christmas

"Mommy look what I made." Seth exclaims barging into Kirsten's home office. She looks up from her papers and smiles down at her son letting him crawl on to her lap. "It's Santa!" Kirsten looks at the paper Santa who is drawn far beyond the abilities of someone's Seth age.

"Honey this is amazing did you make this all by yourself?" Kirsten asks in sincere amazement.

"Yeah." Seth says beaming with pride. "Mrs. Murphey says I have potential." Kirsten looks at the advanced drawing again placing a kiss on Seth's temple.

"She's right sweetheart this is going right here." She pins the Christmas drawing on the corkboard behind her that is covered in multiple Christmas art projects before looking at that board critically for a moment.

"Hey honey…all these drawings are yours where are Ryan's?" Seth shrugs spinning around in Kirsten's chair.

"He throws 'em out, he says Christmas is stupid." Seth says with a shrug. Kirsten groans to herself thinking that a six year old boy should not have given up on the magic of Christmas.

"Ok I'm going to go write a letter to Santa." Seth runs off and Kirsten sinks back into her chair wondering exactly what had happened to this poor boy to make him hate Christmas.

Kirsten attempts to work for another few hours the sound of the boys playing and Rosa's soft chiding filtering through the walls. A little before dinner she gives up, thoughts of Christmas plaguing her.

"Ryan sweetheart can I come in?" Kirsten opens the door to find Ryan looking down at a box filled with junky momentos and a few fading pictures of his family. Ryan looks up at her guiltily shoving the items back in the box.

"Sorry." Ryan says quickly, his body rigid.

"What for?" Kirsten asks looking down in the box. "Are these pictures of your mom and dad?" Ryan nods hesitantly unsure what Kirsten's reaction would be. He likes living with the Cohen's but sometimes he misses his other family even if they weren't very nice.

"Are you feeling a little homesick honey? That's normal around the holidays you know." Kirsten says gently sensing Ryan's discomfort.

"This is a nice picture." Kirsten picks up a picture of the Atwood family. She didn't know that in it Dawn was drunk and Trey just had his hide tanned. Ryan was nervously holding his father's hand. Dawn had been whining and crying about wanting a family picture for days and Frank finally got so fed up that he got the neighbor to take it.

"Wait right here I've got an idea." Kirsten says returning moments later with a frame.

"If we put it in here it will always be protected." Kirsten says smoothing the wrinkled picture into the frame. "And you can put it by your bed so you can look at it whenever you want." Kirsten sets the gold frame on the counter before putting an arm around Ryan.

"You're not mad?" Ryan whispers.

"Of course not sweetheart." Kirsten exclaims. "They're your family I understand. Speaking of which are there any Atwood family traditions you want us to incorporate into Christmas?" Ryan shakes his head no slowly.

"We didn't celebrate Christmas." Ryan explains. "My mom said we were never good enough for Santa to come." Kirsten runs a hand slowly through Ryan's hair trying to imagine that kind of childhood.

"Well this year Santa asked me specifically to make sure you wrote him a wish list." Kirsten says injecting all the enthusiasm she can muster into her voice. Ryan looks at her skeptically wringing his hands.

"I've got everything I need."

"I certainly hope so but Christmas is about things you want." Kirsten says with a wink before going down the stairs.

The next week was painful to watch. Seth would open his advent calendar excitedly while Ryan would leave his untouched. Seth gave Sandy and Kirsten Christmas and Hanukah school projects while Kirsten found Ryan's in the trash. Seth put out milk and cookies for Santa and Ryan went to bed early.

"RYAN! RYAN! Christmas is here! Santa came!" Seth exclaims bursting into Ryan's room excitedly.

"Seth go away." Ryan moans pulling the covers over his head. He didn't want to have to wake up to see the Cohen's have a big family theme with him sitting awkwardly on the outside. He couldn't bear to watch Seth open all his goodies and he had a sinking feeling he'd be getting an unwelcome phone call at some point.

"Ryan come on Santa came!" Realizing Seth isn't going to go away Ryan grudgingly gets out of bed. Kirsten, Sandy and Seth are already down by the tree. Seth is in Sandy's lap and Kirsten is listening indulgently as Seth rattles on about some nonsense topic. Feeling like he is intruding on a moment, Ryan stops at the stairs and watches sadly debating going back to his room.

"Sweetheart come on we're waiting for you." Kirsten says with a smile. Ryan slowly walks down the stairs regarding the huge mounds of presents that appeared last night with awe.

"Merry Christmas honey." Kirsten coos, kissing the top of Ryan's head softly.

"Merry Christmas kid." Sandy adds holding Ryan's stocking out to him. Ryan looks at the stocking in amazement. It is filled with chocolates, comics and other little nick-knacks. Ryan regards each item with care and amazement.

"Thank you." He says earnestly looking up to Kirsten and Sandy.

"That's not from us it's from Santa." Sandy explains with a wink pointing to the tree. "Ours are under there."

Ryan looks under the tree to heap of presents all of which he assumed were for Seth.

"I have them in piles Ryan yours is here." Seth says pointing to a large mound of gifts. "Mom I think Ryan got more than me!" Seth whines regarding the piles.

"You boys have an equal number of presents." Kirsten says quickly from her position curled on the couch with Sandy's arms around her. Both parents watch as Ryan tentatively reaches for the first box his eyes wide with anticipation as he pulls out a blue race car.

"Cool you got the blue one! Now we can race them!" Seth says in excitement before moving on to the next present. Seth is done long before Ryan who regards each present carefully and appreciatively placing the wrapping paper in neat piles. Sandy runs off with Seth to get batteries for a new action figure and Kirsten gets down on the floor with Ryan who is at his last present.

Ryan looks up at Kirsten in surprise when he pulls a battered teddy out of a bunch of carefully wrapped tissue paper.

"Melanie said they weren't about to get everything of yours out of Dawn's house in Chino." Kirsten says softly. "Sandy went down to see if anything important was there and he said that this little guy looked like he could use some TLC." Ryan's eyes fill at the childhood toy that had once been his only comfort in a hard world.

"You didn't have to get me all this…" Ryan says nervously looking around at the present piles.

"Sweetheart we wanted to." Kirsten assures him before giving him a little hug.

The rest of the Christmas is calm. Caleb and Rose come over for dinner and Caleb takes Ryan on his knee and shows him pictures of different architectural sites beaming with pride when Ryan presents him with a hand drawn picture of a house. Rose listens indulgently as Seth explains to her the merits of different video games Sandy and Kirsten watching their family with pride.

Hours later Ryan and Seth are asleep on the couch the Grinch playing in the background. With soft smiles Kirsten and Sandy carry the boys to bed.

"Did you have a good Christmas baby?" Kirsten asks when she sees his wide eyes have blinked open. Ryan smiles tucking his teddy bear under his chin before giving a nod.

"Good. Sleep well sweetie I love you." Ryan's eyes drift shut and Kirsten goes to check on Seth before crawling into bed with her husband the sweet memories of the day playing in her head.

Kirsten wakes up 3 hours later desperately craving a pop tart and tiptoes down the stairs the sound of Ryan's voice stopping her.

"I'm sorry ma…no…please don't be mad…I miss you too...no they're really nice to me here…I'm sorry…I didn't mean it ma if you don't want me to like them I'll try not to…" Ryan begs desperately the hysteria growing in his voice. He doesn't hear Kirsten come up until Kirsten eases the phone away from his shaking hand.

"…ungrateful brat." Kirsten grits her teeth when she hears Dawn's mean words.

"Mrs. Atwood It's Kirsten Cohen." She says coolly keeping one eye on Ryan who is looking down, shame written all over his face.

"Well if it isn't the little Newport bitch who has my baby." The alcohol causes her voice to slur and Kirsten flashes a reassuring smile at Ryan.

"It's nice to speak to you as well but I was wondering if you wouldn't mind calling back later it's past Ryan's bedtime."

"Put my fucking kid back on the phone. He's all I got an you take him from me? It's not like you even care about him." Kirsten sucks in a breath of air hoping Ryan can't hear his mother through the phone.

"You're right I do care about him very much. Have a nice night Mrs. Atwood."Kirsten says hanging up the phone before looking down at Ryan. His eyes look up at her beseechingly as he swallows nervously.

"I'm sorry." Ryan whispers "She told me to call."

"It's ok honey you aren't in any trouble." Kirsten assures him worried about the blank look on the kids face.

"She told me to call on Christmas like always. I didn't want you to be mad so I waited. I didn't know she'd be with AJ again." Ryan says dejectedly, his blue eye downcast.

"If you want to talk to your mother that's ok baby." Kirsten replies not knowing if this is such a good policy after the verbal abuse she just witnessed. "I am not mad at you." Ryan surprises Kirsten by hugging her first, his arms squeezing a tight circle around her waist. Kirsten picks him up and carries him up the stairs.

"You know Sandy and I love you very much and things about you being worthless and trash they are simply not true ok?" Kirsten says inwardly fuming at Dawn as she carries Ryan in to her room lying him down beside a sleeping Sandy. Ryan doesn't cry or respond but clings desperately to her nightgown and presses his head into her should desperate for comfort.

"I love you bigger than the mountains and deeper than the sea." Kirsten promises

The words aren't enough, they never are, but they're enough get Ryan to close his eyes and soon enough his breaths even out.

"Merry Christmas sweetheart" She whispers into his hair before falling asleep herself, two of her favorite men beside her.

**A/N: This is for everyone who wanted a Chrismaskuh story**

**A/N2: This was not my favorite chapter it felt a little flat but I'm really excited about the next chapter!**

**PLEASE REVIEW**


	6. Ryan's first fight with Seth

**A/N This goes out to Jade St. Jrhs who wanted to see Caleb Seth and Ryan (even though there isn't that much Caleb) and to all those who wanted Ryan to take the blame for something Seth did.**

"You're not better at playstation than I am!" Seth says angrily to Ryan his arms crossed in childish fury. To be fair Seth has started it, casually mentioning that all of Ryan's ninjas were dead way before Seth's were. However was Ryan that caused the fight to escalate, biting back that Seth could never drive the Mario Kart car straight. If there was one this Seth was damn good at it was Mario Kart.

"Am too." Ryan says with a smug smile. "And you talk to a plastic horse." Luke and the other boys had been making fun of Seth and Captain Oats for a while now. Ryan had tried to stop them , saying it was mean and that Seth was cool. The general consensus was that neither Seth nor Captain Oats was cool and though Ryan had loyally taken Seth's side on the playground he was beginning to wonder if being friends with Seth meant he couldn't be friends with anyone else.

"You still sleep with a teddy bear." Seth replies incredulously. Ryan's teddy bear from his Chino days was his only prized possession and he instantly stiffened at the mention of it.

"Summer Roberts doesn't even talk to you anymore." Seth's face fell slightly at Ryan's retort but he recovered quickly.

"Your mom doesn't even talk to you anymore." An earth shattering silence ensued. A few meters away, in Caleb's living room the parents were happily chatting about adult things oblivious to the huge line that Seth had just crossed.

"You're too much of a freak to be my brother." Ryan retorted desperately trying to cover the almost-healed wound Seth had just ripped open. Freak was exactly the term Summer had used when she had bypassed Seth to hang out with Holly. Seth's eyes filled with hot angry tears.

"Take it back!" Seth says his voice rising but still low enough to leave his parents oblivious.

"No." Ryan stood solidly his 6 year old heart pounding wildly in his chest.

"I hate you go back with your real family." Seth retorts going straight for the jugular.

"Freak." Ryan responds knowing that one word makes all the difference to Seth. Angrily Seth throws the Playstation controller at Ryan missing by a mile and smashing into Rose's china cabinet. Both Seth and Ryan stare at each other in momentary shock as the adults run around the corner.

"What happened?" "Are you alright?" Sandy and Kirsten exclaim at the same time quickly looking the boys over before turning to look at the irreparably damaged China cabinet. Rose's eyes widen in sorrow as she leans down to pick up the damaged family heirlooms.

"Oh no." She whispers to herself tracing over a smashed picture frame. There is a long silence as her eyes drift over the shattered dolls and other memorabilia.

"Cal I think I'm going to lie down for a bit." Rose says avoiding the children's eyes.

"Rose…" Cal calls after her beginning to follow. She pauses and shakes her head negatively before continuing up the stairs to her bed.

"What happened here?" Caleb asks, anger seeping into his voice. Ever since they heard Rose was sick everyone had been walking a tightrope but none as unbalanced as Caleb and that lack of control scares Ryan more than anything especially when he sees Seth cower out of the corner of his eye.

"Boys?" Sandy repeats controlled fury in his voice. The boys had been on very strict orders to remain on their best behavior especially around Kirsten who was almost catatonic with grief over the thought of losing her mother.

"It was my fault" Ryan says suddenly seeing the tears start to creep up in Seth's eyes. Seth was right he wasn't their real son and now that Seth didn't like him he should go back to where he came from. The last nice thing he could do was keep Seth out of trouble, especially since he insulted his Mario Kart abilities.

Seth looks at Ryan in confusion but stays silent figuring that he must have some crafty Chino –like way to get them exonerated. Seth immediately is flooded with his harsh suddenly feels more guilty tears rise

"Oh Ryan." Kirsten says in disappointment picking up remnants of a porcelain doll that had been her grandmothers. Kirsten places a hand over her mouth and stifles a sob at the pieces of her mother she would no longer be able to have after her demise. Ryan's never seen Kirsten cry and immediately feels the shame wash over him the knowledge that it was him who made her so upset. Seth too watches, dumbstruck, unaware that is mother even felt pain.

"I'm sorry." Ryan says hesitantly. Kirsten stands and wipes her eyes not looking at Ryan before turning to walk out of the kitchen.

"Kirsten?" Ryan offers his voice even softer.

"Not right now kid ok?" Sandy says shooting Ryan a sympathetic look before following Kirsten out of the room. Caleb steps forward angrily and Ryan immediately puts himself in front of Seth.

"After all this family has done for you, you pick a time like this to do ruin everything." Ryan lowers his head in apology.

"I'm sorry." Ryan whispers again. Trey took the heat lots for Ryan and now it was his turn to take it for Seth.

"You should be. Maybe Child Services can find you another family to destroy."

"Dad that is quite enough!" Kirsten bellows from the stairwell her eyes blazing with fury.

"How dare you say something like that to him?" She demands walking past the items. "It was obviously an accident." Caleb's eyes flash in apology but Kirsten continues to glare at him before kneeling down to Ryan's level.

"Ryan…sweetheart?" She reaches up to cup his cheek but he flinches immediately and Kirsten immediately retracts her hand pressing it to her mouth as she closes her eyes in pain stifling another sob. The room falls silent and tense for a moment, everyone waiting on edge until Ryan turns and bolts. Sany reaches out to grab Ryan but the young boy easily avoids the grappling hands and is out the door before anyone can stop him.

"Ryan, oh my god, RYAN!" Kirsten yells bolting out the door Sandy and Caleb on her heels.

"RYAN!" Sandy bellows.

"Sandy what is he ran out on the road, or if a someone took him, what if…"

"In the point two seconds he was gone?" Caleb asks but is silenced but Kirsten's firm slap.

"MY child just ran away because of your misplaced anger!" Kirsten roars before running down the driveway. Sandy gives Caleb a glare before following Kirsten.

"What did you do?" Rose asks coming down the stairs in her robe. She gives Caleb the look that she used when he was getting in to shady business dealings.

"I yelled at the kid." Caleb answers with a groan rubbing his face.

"Oh Cal." She admonishes with a sad headshake. "You watch Seth, I'll find Ryan." Caleb looks back to see Seth standing in the doorway tears streaming down his face as he shakes in fear. Caleb nods going to the door and plucking him up.

"Is Ryan lost?" He asks helplessly.

"Oh no he's around somewhere." Caleb answers crossing his fingers as he leads Seth back inside.

Rose combs the backyard quickly checking the bushes and the multiple playhouses as Sandy and Kirsten check the surrounding road as time passes they grow more desperate. Kirsten is beside herself and Sandy is quickly losing his resolve to be the strong one.

When he isn't in Rose's garden she looks a few hours over stopping triumphantly when she hears soft sniffles coming from a garden shed. Rose opens the shed and Ryan's terrified, teary eyes look back at her in shock.

"You must be very good at hide and seek." Rose says softly as Ryan tenses and pushes himself further into the shed.

"I got lost." Ryan whispers fearfully recalling the moment when he realized he didn't remember which house was Caleb's.

"Well we found you dear, come on let's get out of here." She continues holding a hand out to Seth.

"I know some people who are very, very worried about you." Rose continues tentatively still reaching out her hand.

"I'm sorry I broke your things." Ryan admits softly blinking back tears. Rose smiles and kneels down.

"I know sweetheart and it's ok, they're just objects."

"They were special objects." Ryan says shaking his head vigilantly.

"I've had special objects broke before and it's not ok." Ryan whispers knowingly wishing he could disappear. Caleb was so mad and Seth hates him and he made Kirsten cry and Rose get out of bed…Sandy promised he'd never be sent back but this was really, really bad.

"You're right it does make me sad." Rose says honestly. "Lots of those things were my mother's but none of those objects are as special as you ok." Ryan is completely unconvinced and stays in the corner.

"I'll tell you what. You come back with my now and all is forgiven ok?" Ryan regards her outstretched hand hesitantly before curling his small fingers in his hers. Rose calls Kirsten who lets out a thankful cry and leads an unsure Ryan slowly back to the house.

"Ryan!" Kirsten runs at him and holds him close ignoring his hesitancy. He had only been gone for minutes but it felt like long, tortuous hours where anything could have happened.

"Oh my sweet boy never do that again." She begs checking him over instantly as Ryan shots her a confused glance through his bangs. Moments later Sandy rounds the corner relief replacing the panic on his face.

"Thank god." He exclaims choosing not to embrace Ryan when he knows his fears about physical contact are back full-force.

"I think it's time for me to home." From the grim look on Ryan's face Sandy knows he's not talking about his Newport home.

"I'm sorry honey but you can't go back there." Kirsten explains gently. It's nothing Ryan hasn't heard before but he's never needed a plan B, he never even entertained the idea of returning to Chino until this moment.

"I don't want to go to a group home." Ryan whispers knowing he shouldn't complain. He was defending Seth and he is proud of that he just didn't realize how much he was giving up.

"That will never, ever happen sport." Sandy says slowly raising his hand so Ryan's sees it's nonthreatening before gently squeezing his shoulder. "We love you, you are our family."

"But Seth wants me to go back with my real family." Ryan whispers. Sandy and Kirsten exchange confused looks.

"What?" Kirsten finally stutters out looking at the shame in Ryan's eyes as nervously shuffles his feet. "Baby did you and Seth have a fight." Ryan meets her eyes for a moment than looks down in shame.

"Mommy it's my fault." Kirsten breaks away from Ryan to look over at Seth who is on the verge of tears.

"I broke Grandma's cabinet." Seth says ignoring Ryan's frantic head shaking. Kirsten's mouth goes dry and she turns her attention back to Ryan.

"Ryan is this true?"

"No."

"Ryan Frank Atwood do not lie to me." Kirsten demands angrily her sharp words causing Ryan's head to jolt up. She never yelled at Ryan, rarely ever yelled at Seth but the added volume had the desired effect.

"I threw a controller at his head and missed." Seth admits looking downward.

"Thank you Seth telling the truth was very brave." Kirsten commends "That being said we are going to have a long talk after I am finished with Ryan." Seth nods solemnly and Sandy follows him out.

"Baby why don't you tell me everything from the very beginning." Kirsten asks gently leading them both to chairs. Ryan hesitates and Kirsten places a hand on his.

"No one is going anywhere, even if you smashed the glass cabinet on purpose. Now big boys work out their problems with words so tell me the true story from the beginning."

Kirsten listens with sympathy as Ryan tells the tale of his and Seth's fight. Childish insults can so quickly spiral when they don't know their limit and she can tell both boys said things they never meant. That being said issues like Seth having to now share his parents probably needed to be discussed with their oldest child but until now the issue had been nonexistent.

"I'm sorry you boys had a fight and I'm sorry he said things about your mother and you not being a member of the family I'm sure that hurt you very much." Kirsten smoothes Ryan's hair down waiting for a response.

"You guys still want me even though Seth hates me?"

"Honey if Seth hated you we would still love you." Kirsten assures him praying to god that family dynamic never occurs. "That being said Seth loves you. He is your brother and brother's fight but he came out to make sure that we were keeping our promise to keep you." Kirsten explains.

"But you couldn't even look at me." Ryan whispers remembering that hurtful moment when Kirsten wordlessly left the room her hurt and disappointment stinging as badly as Dawn's abandonment.

"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings." Kirsten says carefully. "Sometimes when someone accidently does something hurtful its best to just take a moment to remind yourself how much you love them and how you know that it was a mistake." Kirsten pulls her close and kisses the top of his head.

"I would never abandon you or walk out on you and Seth I promise you that." Kirsten reiterates relieved when he relaxes slightly against her but still seeing that he doesn't understand her reasoning for taking a moment to collect herself.

"Remember when I told you that sometimes when people's hearts get hurt it makes them mean?" Ryan thinks for a moment and then nods.

"Well when I saw those dolls broken it hurt my heart and I didn't want to get mean so I went out of the room to make my heart feel better ok?" Kirsten explains thinking he is too young to understand that sometimes love has to be worked at.

"I love you bigger than the mountains and deeper than the sea remember" Kirsten sees the lingering hesitation fall away from his eyes. "C'mon lets go inside."

Sandy is finishing lecturing Seth when Ryan and Kirsten walk in. He smiles gently at his younger son and walks over to ruffle his hair.

"You ok buddy?" Ryan nods surprised that Sandy isn't mad at him. Sandy smiles down genuinely and leaves with Kirsten as the two young boys stare uncomfortably at each other.

"Wanna play?" Seth asks holding out the controller. Ryan shrugs joining him on the couch.

"Why'd you say you broke Grandma's china?" Seth asks after slaying a ninja.

"I didn't want you to get sent away." Ryan answers quietly.

"But they'd never send either of us away." Exasperation tinges Seth's voice as he tries to understand how Ryan could hear that statement so many times and still have trouble believing it.

"I just…I know what it's like to be thrown out I didn't want that for you." Ryan explains remembering the feeling of his mother releasing his body and letting the social workers drag him away as he protested feebly.

"I'm sorry I said this wasn't your real family." Seth admits shame coloring his cheeks. "It is you know that right?" Ryan hesitates for a moment before meeting Seth's eyes. He realizes he was stupid to listen to Luke and Summer and that Seth was his real friend.

"Yeah I guess so."

**PLEASE REVIEW….your comments are so inspiring**


	7. Ryan's first ambulance ride

**A/N: because who doesn't love a hurt Ryan**

"Honey you still don't feel well?" Kirsten asks in concern sitting by Ryan's bed. The boy had been sick as a dog for the past few days but she was hoping that last night's Tylenol would have kicked the fever.

"I'm fine." It seems like those are the only two words Ryan has said to her over the past month. She gently raises a hand to his forehead cringing both from his flinch and the heat he is giving off.

"Ok no school for you today mister." Kirsten says placing a thermometer in Ryan's mouth.

"Mom Ryan HAS to come to school Summer and I are partners in square dancing that's a BIG deal." Kirsten rolls her eyes at Seth before kneeling in front of him.

"Make sure your breath smells nice, your hands aren't sweaty and don't step on her feet you'll be fine. You can tell Ryan all about it when he's better." Kirsten pulls the beeping thermometer out of Ryan's mouth and looks at it despondently.

"102.4…no wonder you feel so bad."

"I'm fine." Ryan replies again not meeting her eyes. The last month Ryan decided that he was no longer really a part of the family. He cringed whenever Sandy or Kirsten touched him and only ever talked to Seth. Finally one night Kirsten told Ryan to eat his vegetables and Ryan had emphatically declared that he was not her 'real kid'. The three remaining members were completely taken aback until Kirsten has recovered and curtly informed Ryan that blood relation or not he still had to finish his broccoli. He stiffened every time her or Sandy would call him anything but Ryan and they had finally stopped using endearments with him all together.

To be honest though, Kirsten is at a loss. She loves Ryan and hates having to restrain every maternal instinct and sift out every pet name. Kirsten was always the parent that Ryan trusted implicitly and now something was splintered and he refused to tell her what she did or didn't do.

"Try to get more rest I'll be up in a bit." Kirsten says gently pulling the boys covers up. "Do you need anything?" As expected Ryan shakes his head no and firmly looks away from her.

"How is he?" Sandy asks when she reaches the bottom of the stairs.

"Fine" Kirsten replies putting quotes around the word. "Dr. Roberts is bringing Seth and Summer home today and offered to check him out. It can't hurt and this way we won't have to bring him in again."

"Kirsten, honey, he has the flu." Sandy says taking a bite of his bagel. "Just give him some time to rest and he'll be fine." Sandy is probably right but it goes against every motherly instinct to not get him checked out after the rise in fever.

"Ok have a good day." She kisses Seth and Sandy goodbye before returning back to the papers she brought back from the office.

About half-way through her document she hears a loud thump and immediately jumps up.

"RYAN?!" A million and a half scenarios flash through Kirsten's mind as she pushes the door open thankful to find Ryan half-way between the bathroom and his bed puking. Quickly she grabbed that pot and placed it in front of Ryan's face bringing up another hand to rub his back.

"Sorry." He whispers getting a towel from the bathroom before Kirsten can stop him embarrassed tears trickling at his eyes.

"Ryan, stop." She begins as he starts to frantically try and clean up the mess. "Ryan please it's ok." She stills his hand and he still doesn't look up. At that moment she notices that he is carefully guarding his stomach. Kirsten gently takes the cloth from Ryan trembling hand and reassuringly rubs his back.

"You're sick it's not your fault." Kirsten gives his shoulder a gently squeeze. "You tummy is sore isn't it?" A fresh wave of tears come to Ryan's eyes and he nods his defenses beginning to crack. He heaves again this time into the can Kirsten grabbed, frantically letting out an anguished cry. As soon as Ryan finishes puking he curls up in the fetal position, futively holding his side and crying pained tears as Kirsten calls an ambulance.

"Come here sweetie it's all going to be ok." Kirsten gingerly places Ryan's tiny body in her lap, cradling him close like he is an oversized baby.

"It hurts." He finally chokes out as he stifles a cry in her shoulder.

"I know baby." 911 is still on the lines and she desperately tries to console Ryan and answer redundant questions at the same time.

"The ambulance will be here soon ok all is well." She soothes rocking him back and forth slightly fully focusing on Ryan's pain to keep her mind from dredging up worst case scenarios.

"NO! No hospitals."

"I know you don't like hospitals baby but we need you to get better. You don't want to have that tummy pain anymore right?" Kirsten persuades ignoring it when Ryan flinches at the term baby.

"I-I…yeah." He whispers in resignation.

"Ok then you have to let these men do their job." Kirsten insists as the paramedics come up the stairs.

"I'll be with you the whole time ok." Ryan gives a little snort.

"That's what my mom always said." They load him on to a gurney and Kirsten is shoved to the side as they hurry the terrified boy to the ambulance.

"I'm riding with you." Kirsten insists sliding into the back beside Ryan who's pale face is breaking out in a sweat. His face fills with surprise as she takes his hand and holds it tight.

"Just hold on Ryan we'll be there soon." Kirsten promises him.

"You'll really stay?" Ryan's eyes are slightly glazed and Kirsten takes advantages of his lowered defenses to kiss his forehead.

"I promise whenever I'm allowed to be there I'll be there." Kirsten assures him. Ryan is so confused by Kirsten. He had tried his best to stop loving her and did everything he could to make her stop loving him yet here she is worried and gentle. He hated it had to end, that he was temporary like Marissa says.

"M'am try and keep him awake." A male voice yells as Ryan's eyes begin to droop. The feel of a soft hand on Ryan's cheek makes him blink awake.

"I know you wanna sleep Ryan but you have to stay awake for now ok." She whispers relieved when she sees him nod groggily.

"Tell me about something happy." Kirsten requests tenderly, as she shifts into Ryan's line of sight. "Tell me about the happiest day of your life." Ryan considers for a moment his reasoning fogged by the drugs and the fever.

"The day the took me oughta the cupboard." Ryan mutters and Kirsten's heart clenches in horror as she grips Ryan's hand and forces herself to be calm. The ambulance hits a bump causes Ryan to gasp in pain.

"Kirsten." He breathes out urgently, his fear obvious.

"Oh honey I know I'm sorry it hurts." Ryan shifts away from her hand curling on his side with a moan. Kirsten rubs his back gently speaking to him as he struggles to stay conscious.

Moments later they arrive at HOAG and Ryan is whisked away while Kirsten is shown to a waiting room an instructed not to move and to fill out a dozen forms. Blinking back tears she dials Sandy's number.

"Hey honey…I got us a reservation for tonight you me our anniversary….Cal and Rose are babysitting."

"Cancel." Kirsten say simply through her tears.

"Honey what's wrong?" Sandy is immediately on edge, the playful tone no longer in his voice.

"Ryan's in the hospital." The line is dead quiet for a moment.

"What?" Sandy's voice is chock full of horror and disbelief.

"His fever shot up he got an intense stomach ache I-I have no idea what's wrong but my son just got driven to an hospital in an ambulance and I really need you here."

"I'm on my way I'll get Rose to pick Seth up."

Kirsten shuts the phone and begins pacing until she sees the sight of a frantic and disheveled Sandy run into the ER. He spews off millions of questions and Kirsten relives the whole horrible event still worried no one has come to speak with her.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cohen." A tiny brunette doctor looks up from a clipboard and Kirsten looks at her not be able to imagine her to be over 25.

"First off your son will be fine." She says the moment they approach relief seeps on to Kirsten's face. "I knew that was what you wanted to know first so just thought we'd get that out of the way. Ryan has appendicitis right now we are determining whether or not the appendix ruptured before we decide what surgical route to take. My name is Dr. Hart but call me Maggie." Kirsten is surprised by the firmness of Maggie's handshake.

"So he's going to be ok." Sandy clarifies.

"Mr. Cohen I see about 6 appendixes a month half of which are burst." Maggie assures Sandy instantly. "Ryan's procedure, open or arthroscopic, is routine and barring any complications he will be ok in a few days and 100% a little while after that ok?"

"Can we see him?"

"Of course." Maggie says with a warm smile showing them to Ryan's room. "I have other patients but if there is any problem one of the nurses will page me and I'll be here immediately ok?" Sandy relaxes minutely giving her a nod.

"Good I'll let you know when we get the results back."

Ryan is sleeping fitfully on the hospital bed and wakes with a start the moment Kirsten touches his hand.

"Hi." Ryan blinks owlishly the pain killers obviously taking effect.

"Hey yourself." Kirsten replies with a smile. Ryan is making a conscious effort to keep his eyes open and Sandy gently tucks the covers more securely around his shoulders.

"You feeling a little better buddy?" Sandy asks gently. Ryan considers this groggily. He can imagine the pain but feels like it wrapped in cotton wool there but unable to touch him.

"I think so." Sandy smiles and Ryan is too tired to pull away when Sandy brushes the bangs off his face.

"That's good to hear kid." Sandy says honestly. Ryan blinks sluggishly again and Kirsten softly squeezes his hand.

"Try and get some sleep honey." Kirsten instructs, glad when Ryan's tired eyes begin to drift shut.

"You don't have to stay." Ryan whispers before allowing himself to drift off to oblivion.

Kirsten holds his hand gently assuring him that she is staying as they eagerly await news of Ryan's ultrasound.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cohen?" They look up eagerly when Maggie enters her brown, bouncy ponytail making her look even younger.

"Now I don't want you to panic but it seems Ryan's appendix has ruptured." Kirsten gasps and Sandy lets out a groan.

"Can't that kill him?" Kirsten whispers urgently.

"If left untreated yes it is very dangerous which is why we are going to get Ryan in to surgery immediately. Now because we believe the appendix burst we are going to have to a traditional open laceration." Maggie explains.

"This is nothing to be upset about this is a perfected method of surgery the only downside is a longer recovery time and some scarring." Kirsten breathes with relief and Sandy goes to sign the consent form.

"Would you like to wake him up? I'm sure he'd rather your face than mine." Maggie says understandingly. Kirsten smiles her thanks and gently shakes Ryan.

"Sweetheart?" Ryan groans and blinks awake a hand coming immediately to his side. "It's alright Ryan, Dr Hart is going to make it better ok?" He nods before warily regarding Maggie.

"Hi Ryan I'm Maggie it's nice to meet you." Feeling vulnerable and confused Ryan's eyes shift to Kirsten who nods encouragingly.

"I'm going to take good care of you ok? You're going to be asleep the whole time and won't feel a thing."Maggie continues. Kirsten looks thankfully at the doctor as Ryan relaxes slightly.

"Mom here is going to stay with you all the way to the operating room and she'll be right there when you wake up." Maggie assures Ryan.

"She's not my mom." Ryan bites back. A flash of surprise crosses Maggie's face and she regards Kirsten with a large level of respect.

"Nevertheless she is going to be right by your side ok?" Ryan nods warily believing her sure words for some reason.

"Can we have a moment before we go?" Kirsten asks as Sandy reenters the room.

"Of course I'll be outside." Ryan looks down his shaking hands betraying his fear.

"I love you very much." Kirsten says softly kissing his forehead. "And I wouldn't leave you around anyone I didn't trust implicitly ok?"

"Ok." Ryan says wishing they'd drop the nice act. He knew they were mad about him being cold but he wasn't family and he needed to draw that line. He needed to make the Cohen's dispensable, he already felt too much for them.

"How are you feeling kid?" Sandy asks catching on to Ryan's immediate defensiveness.

"Fine." Ryan mumbles but he is so far from fine. He wants Kirsten to hold him in her arms like she used to and have Sandy promise that everything is going to be ok. He wants it to be like it used to before Marissa had raised the valid point that if the Cohen's loved him and were planning on keeping him they'd have adopted him. He is dispensable and he is making it his mission to not care about the Cohens, but it is exhausting.

"We'll be here when you wake up." Sandy assures the boy again.

"Whatever." Ryan grumbles before closing his eyes. Sandy and Kirsten exchange desperate looks and an orderly comes to push Ryan to the OR.

"This is your stop m'am." Kirsten nods and bends down to Ryan's level cupping his cheek.

"See you in a while Ryan." Kirsten says sighing when he doesn't respond. "I love you I need you to believe that." Kirsten begs squeezing his hand. Ryan swallows hard because somewhere in his heart he knows she does and he certainly loves her but he wasn't 'theirs' he wasn't going to pretend he was.

"I'll be ok Kirsten." Ryan replies before looking away trying not to show his fear. Knowing that it's a losing battle Kirsten sighs and steps back to let Ryan in to the OR.

"Hi Ryan." Maggie says with a smile. "How are you feeling you doing ok?" Ryan shrugs as they hook him up to an IV.

"You know Ryan my mom isn't my real mom either." She says conversationally. "Sometimes your mom isn't the person who gives you life but the person who gives you a life worth living." She says seriously taking a moment to brush at Ryan's hair fondly. He blushes guiltily thinking about Kirsten's constant reassurance and Sandy's never-ending support. The only people who ever cared enough to give him a good life.

"Ok when I put this in it's going to sting a bit." Maggie says her voice low and gentle." I need you to count back from 100 can you do that for me buddy."

"OK."

"You're such a brave boy." She says gently slowly injecting the liquid into the IV. Ryan doesn't feel brave he suddenly and fiercely aches for Kirsten.

"I want my mommy." He whispers suddenly.

"I know honey just count." Maggie soothes taking his hand in hers.

"100, 99, 98…" Everything fades to black.

The house is old and dingy and he can tell Ma's been drinking cause no one got the newspaper and Franks truck is in the driveway from last night.

Eva, drops Ryan in the driveway and Theresa waves goodbye. After a moment of hesitation Ryan tiptoes through the door.

Frank has Dawn pinned up on the wall and she's moaning.

Ryan immediately panics.

"STOP!"

Franks eyes are wild and angry when he turns around and Ryan immediately looks away at the sight of Dawn's half-naked body.

"You're gonna pay for that boy bring me a belt."

Everything swirls to Jessie's school room

"You stupid piece of shit." Ryan flinches as the ruler slams down on his hand

"I hate you"

"I'm sorry Ryan this placement just isn't working out."

"You're worthless"

"I want you out of my house!"

"Ryan sweetie it's ok." The soft voice is familiar.

"Come on open those eyes for me baby." Something warm and heavy is on his forehead. Ryan blinks awake and Sandy comes into view, his hand softly stroking his forehead.

"Welcome back honey it's over now." Kirsten soothes squeezing Ryan's hand.

"You did good kid." Sandy says with a smile. "You were so brave. I'm going to talk to the doc ok?" Ryan nods mutely why did they stay?

"You're here." Ryan whispers in amazement after Sandy leaves.

"Always." Kirsten replies earnestly before smiling a little. Ryan surprises Kirsten by sitting up as much as he can and impulsively throwing his arms around her.

"Careful baby." Kirsten says with a laugh gently guiding Ryan back on to the bed. "I don't want you to rip those stitches." Sensing Ryan's need to be held Kirsten climbs on the bed and lies beside Ryan to hold him tight.

"You never wanna send me back." Ryan finally admits with a slur the drugs making his reasoning funny.

"Never." Kirsten agrees stroking the sides of Ryan's arms.

"Why? I'm not even your real kid." His desperate question cements Kirsten's understanding that Ryan's brashness wasn't out of spite but out of self-protection.

"Oh honey that doesn't matter. I still love you more than anything in the whole wide world." Ryan presses his face into her neck and lets out a soft, contended sigh.

"Marissa says you don't." Kirsten pulls back, her face incredulous as her eyes bore into Ryan's. "She says that your only guardians and that means your temporary and if you really loved me you'd be real parents." Kirsten takes a moment to unwind the childish logic before her heart catches.

"You mean adoption?" Ryan nods groggily the meds beginning to overwhelm him but Kirsten needs to finish this conversation.

"Ryan, baby, do you want us to adopt you?" Kirsten tries to restrain her own hope and breathless excitement as Ryan shrugs tiredly.

"If you want I guess it would be cool."

"Oh honey we want to very, very much." Ryan blinks up feverishly a small smile playing at his lips.

"You want to keep me?" She hates the uncertainty in his voice and plants a kiss on his temple

"Forever and for always." A smile flickers across Ryan's face and his breaths even out as he lies, comfortably nestled on Kirsten's chest.

Sandy walks into the scene with a smile briefly touching Ryan's head before kissing his wife. Kirsten eases the boy off of her chest and on to his bed dragging Sandy outside.

She closes the doors and bursts out crying. Sandy's eyes widen in surprise but he quickly gathers her in his arms

"Hey, hey he's ok." Sandy soothes. "He's a toughie." Kirsten looks at him with a wide smile.

"Ryan wants us to adopt him." Sandy looks at her in disbelief before letting out a laugh and spinning her around.

"Ok well I have to get Seth now anyways. I'll get Rachel to draw up some papers." Sandy all but clicks his heals before ducking in his presence awakening Ryan.

"Hey kiddo." Ryan smiles wearily.

"I have to go get Seth and get you and Kirsten some things from home." A look of fear crosses Ryan's face startling Sandy and he instantly sits on the bed.

"He it's alright." Sandy soothes concern lacing every word.

"Kirsten is staying tonight and I'll be back first thing tomorrow." He brushes Ryan's hair back gently. "Is that ok that I go for a few hours or do you want both of us here?" Ryan smiles weakly.

"No it's ok." Sandy leans down and kisses Ryan's feverish forehead before walking out.

"Ok if you want to talk to me tonight or want me to come down Kirsten will call ok?" Ryan nods the fever and the drugs making is hard to process everything.

"Ok go back to sleep kid it's late. I'll be here when you wake up in the morning." Ryan sighs in relief and closes his eyes, relishing the feel of Sandy's gentle hand on his forehead as he drifts off.

Kirsten tries to sleep but keeps lifting her head to make sure Ryan is ok. Finally she drifts into a miserable half-asleep state dreaming about purple shoes and candy canes when a moan from Ryan wakes her up.

She pulls her chair close and tenderly lays her hand on his forehead grimacing at the heat she feels radiating off his skin. Her frown still in place she goes to the in-room sink and wets a washcloth before sitting down beside him. Ryan's eyes blink open when she the cool, wetness connects with his flushed face.

"Shh it's ok baby go back to sleep." Ryan opens his mouth to protest or respond but falls asleep mid-thought , instinctively leaning in to Kirsten's touch.

"That's better isn't it." She whispers as Ryan shivers slightly, his sleep deepening.

The next time Ryan wakes it's Sandy sitting their wrinkling his nose at the latest issue of The Economist.

"Hey kid." Sandy says with a bright smile putting the magazine down.

"How are you feeling sport?"Ryan opens his mouth to say he's fine but is suddenly struck by a wave of nausea. Seeing the panicked glint in Ryan's eye Sandy immediately intercepts the vomit with the trash can wincing as the kid desperately grabs his side. After a couple of heaves. Ryan slumps, helpless and exhausted against Sandy's body.

"Hurts." Ryan offers weakly holding his side.

"Ok kid hold on just a second longer buddy you're doing so good." Sandy encourages pushing the call button. Moments later a nurse arrives with the pain meds causing the pain in Ryan's face to dissipate.

"Is that better honey?" He asks gently lying Ryan down and covering him with a blanket. Ryan nods and Sandy squeezes his hand.

"You don't think I'm a wimp?" Ryan asks desperately.

"No kid I think you're very brave." Sandy says honestly. "It's ok to tell us when things hurt or make you feel bad that doesn't make you weak it makes you smart." Ryan nods and drifts off as Sandy plants a kiss on his forehead relieved to find the fever went down.

Hours later the sound of soft, serious whispers infiltrate the fog in Ryan's head, lulling him back to consciousness.

"But we need the signatures of both Frank and Dawn?"

"Unless we want it to go to court." Sandy says rubbing his face tiredly. The sounds of soft conversation wake Ryan up hours later and he blinks at the sight of Kirsten and Sandy huddled over documents Seth asleep on a mess of blankets on the floor.

"Look who's awake." Kirsten's voice softens from her business voice to her mother-voice when she sees Ryan's eyes blink open.

"How are you feeling sweetheart?"

"Better." Ryan answers honestly. The pain meds have been doled down and his temperature is hovering around normal. The only memoir of the last night is the dull ache on his side.

"Good. You're going to be discharged at some point this morning ok?" Ryan nods fidgeting uncomfortably remembering his drugged talk last night. The talk about adoption, the way he clung to Kirsten's shirt and how he made Sandy feel guilty for leaving.

"We need to talk kid." Sandy says pulling out the papers. "Do you feel well enough?" Sandy asks noticing Ryan's pale face. This is where they tell him that they don't want to adopt him or try to play it off as a huge misunderstanding.

"Honey you know how you and I talked about adoption last night." Ryan nods hesitantly keeping his eyes down in embarrassment. How pathetic must they think he is basically begging to be in the family.

"You don't have to." Ryan says quietly and Kirsten smiles ducking down to make eye contact.

"There is nothing we would like more than to adopt you but we want to make sure you understand before you agree to anything ok?" They still want him? Ryan blinks up looking at his guardian's smiles.

"We have to get your mom and dad to sign over their parental rights." Sandy says gently knowing Ryan's sense of loyalty. Ryan's eyes light up in fear and he looks away uncomfortably.

"What if they don't sign?"

"Then we get a court order." Sandy says smoothly squeezing Ryan's hand. "Kid if you want this adoption it will happen." A small smile flickers across Ryan's face as he turns his hesitant eyes to Kirsten and Sandy.

"So I'll be Ryan Cohen?"

"If you want." Kirsten says with a smile. "Or you can be Ryan Atwood, or Ryan Atwood-Cohen…whatever you choose won't affect the way we love you." The idea of unconditional love had been foreign to Ryan before the Cohen's. Dawn and Frank's love, if it had been there at all, was dangerous and irregular but Kirsten and Sandy they always cared, always loved, always tried to do right by Ryan.

"Do-do I call you Mom and Dad?" He whispers hesitantly wondering if it's the drugs that are making this all come true. Kirsten blinks back tears and tenderly brushes a stray hair of Ryan's face as she sits on the side of his bed.

"It's up to you sweetie. No matter what you call us you will always be our son." She tells him firmly leaning down to give him a hug. Overwhelmed by the words and the unspoken promises Ryan clings to Kirsten taking comfort in the security of her firm embrace _Sometimes your mother isn't the person who gives you life but the person who gives you a life worth living._

"I want you to be my mom and dad." Ryan says decisively and a tears rolls down Kirsten's cheek.

"Then that's exactly what we'll be baby." Kirsten says holding him tight. Sandy comes in to the hug and plants a kiss on Ryan's head.

"What did I miss?" Seth asks suddenly blinking up from his face on the floor. Sandy laughs and pulls the child's sluggish 7 year old form on to Ryan's bed with the rest of the family explaining the adoption process.

Seth rambles on in a bubble of euphoria while Kirsten and Sandy pipe up every once in a while. The only person who is quiet is Ryan who wonders exactly how they are planning to get Frank and Dawn to sign over their rights.

**Please review….even if you hate the story I appreciate the criticism and the encouragement you guys are what keep me writing. Thank you to those who already reviewed.**


	8. Ryan's first Newpsie party

"Mommy I don't wanna go!" Seth exclaims as Kirsten tightens Seth tie. Sandy chuckles a little at Seth's antics and Kirsten throws him a murderous glance.

"Sweetie it's going to be fun!" Kirsten injects all the faux-enthusiasm into her voice before turning to fix Ryan up.

"Mom do we have to?" Ryan asks quietly looking up at her with big, round eyes a heart-breaking pout in place. The word 'mom' coming from his lips is still enough to pull at her heartstrings but instead of relenting she plants a kiss on his forehead.

"Yes you both have to." All three men groan and Kirsten throws a jacket at Sandy. "It could be fun guys."

"Is Summer going to be there?" Seth asks excitedly as Sandy buckles the boy into the booster seat.

"Probably honey it's an event for your school." Seth looks appeased and Ryan just rolls his eyes as they pull up to the fancy country club. Kirsten and Sandy wanted to protect the kids from the Newport Society bubble but it was a Children's fundraiser and Ryan's surgery was only 3 weeks ago and Kirsten refused to leave him at home with a babysitter in case something happened.

The party is in full swing looking exactly like a regular Newpsie event but with more kids tables and kid-friendly hor d'oerves. Sandy immediately leaves to talk to one of his lawyer friends about Ryan's sticky adoption case leaving Kirsten to face her parents.

"Kiki you look wonderful." Caleb said kissing his daughter on the cheek while keeping Rose securely in his arms.

"Hey Dad. Mom you look better how are you feeling?" The nerves leak in to Kirsten's voice as she observes her mother's frail figure.

"I'm doing just fine darling don't worry about me." Rose replies gently before looking down to Ryan and Seth.

"Don't you boys look handsome tonight." Ryan smiles shyly and ducks his head still uncomfortable around the grandparents after the broken china episode.

"Is your stomach feeing better Ryan? Maybe one of these days I can teach you how to play soccer." Caleb asks tentatively. Ryan takes a step closer to Kirsten and she instantly recognizes the unconscious signal to be held and plucks him up in her arms as Ryan he studies Caleb's face closely. Cal was used to getting what he wanted and used to being forgiven for his quick temper and didn't expect that 6 year old boy would be the biggest hold-out.

"It could be fun Ryan." Kirsten prompts wishing that Ryan and Cal could get there once easy relationship back.

"Ok." Ryan finally agrees reluctantly.

"Sweetheart why don't you go find Seth I think he went off in search of Summer." Kirsten says putting him down and kissing him on the top of the head. "No leaving the kid's room without telling your father or I capiche?

"Capiche." Ryan says with a grin running a few steps than turning around. "Grandpa?"

"Yes Ryan?" Caleb says noting it's the first time in three months the boy initiated a conversation.

"Sometimes I get mad too." Before Cal can respond Ryan has already ran off in search of his brother leaving the older man speechless

"Wow Dad my 6 year old son is more mature than you." Kirsten says with a laugh.

"Speaking of son is it official yet?" Rose asks softly knowing the trouble they were having getting Dawn to sign the paperwork.

"No. The courts agreed that since Frank is in prison for at least a couple more years that he won't need to sign but if we want to avoid court we need Dawn's signature." Kirsten replies glumly. Sandy keeps half an eye on the boys as Kirsten chats with business contacts until way past the boys bedtime Seth's silence and Ryan's yawn's signs that the night has come to an end.

"Oh you're getting so big." Sandy says with a mocking groan as he picks an exhausted Ryan up from the chair. Ryan leans his head on Sandy's shoulders yawning audibly.

"Daddy what's divorce?" Sandy shifts Ryan's weight further up and takes a moment to child-proof his answer.

"Well when a man and a woman get married sometimes things change and they fall out of love with each other and then they get a divorce so they don't have to be married anymore."

"Oh." Ryan says simply his faced screwed up in confusion. Deciding he has nothing to worry about Ryan's lies his face back on Sandy's shoulders and yawn blowing a childish breath of warm air on to Sandy's neck before scrubbing his face into Sandy to find a more comfortable position. With a smile Sandy settles his chin on top of Ryan's head after brushing a brief kiss to the mound of unruly hair. A few steps later Ryan is sputtering softly and Kirsten approaches holding a sleeping Seth.

"Told you they were too young for these things." Sandy says with a laugh when he spots a sticky line of ice cream on Seth's tux. Sandy carefully lowers Ryan into the booster seat smiling when his face scrunches in displeasure then wakes up.

"Daddy?" The hint of fear is still there. The fear of being abandoned, the fear that he would blink awake to be in some stranger's car.

"Daddy's right here buddy go back to sleep." Ryan cracks an eye open to judge for himself exactly where Sandy is and then contently closes his eyes letting his head rest against the window.

"He's ok?" Kirsten asks as Sandy gets in the drivers side.

"Yeah he just doesn't like waking up and not knowing where he is it's normal." Sandy flashes her a reassuring smile and she squeezes her hand.

"You're a good father you know that?"

"It's nice to hear." Sandy replies honestly as they wind through the big, flashy McMansions. In a rare moment of peace Sandy and Kirsten are actually able to have a moment. To talk about movies they want to see, dates they need to go on and the fact that Kirsten still gets scared at the opera. Their precious reprieve is over when they pull up to the house and spot and old beater in the driveway. Sandy gets bad feeling but throws Kirsten a shrug before carefully settling Ryan on his shoulder.

"There's my kid." Dawn steps out from the car as Ryan's eyes shoot open. Sandy tightens his grip on Ryan reassuringly.

"You want me to sign my baby away." She drunk and tripping over her own two feet as Kirsten and Sandy watch momentarily dumbstruck.

"Mrs. Atwood come inside and we'll talk after I put the kids to bed ok?" Kirsten says pleadingly not wanting Ryan to witness his mother's brashness.

"You ain't putting my kid to bed no more." Dawn says tearfully. "I'm his mother!" Kirsten swallows looking back at Ryan's downcast eyes.

"Ryan honey why don't you and Seth go put your PJs on ok?" Kirsten says lowering Seth to the ground and smiling encouragingly at Ryan who simply holds tighter to Sandy's neck. Sandy instantly feels his heart pang this is the first time Ryan has ever asked to not be left alone, to be held and comforted and Sandy isn't about to let that go even if his arm is beginning to tingle.

"Kirsten it's ok." Sandy replies boosting Ryan up. Kirsten gives him a swift look of disapproval than turns to Dawn.

"He's mine." Dawn says adamantly. "Ryan come to Mamma." She opens her arms wide for Ryan who holds on to Sandy tighter gripping his nails into Sandy's neck.

"You don't love me anymore!?" Dawn asks hysterically. Ryan squirms restlessly in Sandy's arms and Sandy reluctantly lets the little boy down.

"You're all I got Ry. You gotta come with me."

"But…I-I" Ryan is at loss for words too young and too loyal to even begin to understand how to verbalize the intense hurt he is feeling.

"But YOU left ME." Ryan whispers with a quivering lip.

"Can you blame me?" Dawn asks flipping from deep remorse to drunken anger. "Pissing off AJ all the time, running away, not make sure your big brother came back that you screwed up one too many times. You just wait these rich ass people will have even less tolerance for you. I'm your mother and I couldn't do it." Ryan's only reaction is to bow his head and scuff the toe of his shoes on the ground . Of course the Cohen's love him and want him forever right? Kirsten says all kids make mistakes but would she love him if he made a really, really big one?

"Sweetie go inside ok. Your mother doesn't mean those things and we certainly don't think that." Kirsten requests softly kneeling down to Ryan's eye level.

"No he's gotta make a choice!" Dawn slurs. "You wanna turn your back on your own mother your gonna have to tell it to my face." Rushing to protect Ryan from another scarring experience Sandy immediately jumps in.

"Kid you don't have to do that."

"No she's right." Ryan says softly. "I'm making a big kid decision I should make it like a big kid." Kirsten wants to tell Ryan that not many 'big kids' have the ability to tell their mother they no longer want to live with them.

"Ma I wanna be a Cohen." Ryan requests his voice steady but barely above a whisper. Sandy's hand squeezes his shoulder reassuringly and Kirsten blinks back tears. "Please just sign."

"So what you're not my baby anymore!" Dawn is verging on hysteria and Ryan tenses "You're not my baby anymore?" Ryan scuffs his feet on the pavement and Sandy hands the papers to her. She looks at Ryan for a long moment before drunkenly scrawling her signature on the bottom.

"It's good to be rid of you." Dawn says sniffing back tears "I never wanted you you know you were on big mistake."

"Dawn…" Kirsten says urgently looking down at a too composed Ryan. No 6 year old should be that good at hiding emotion.

"Don't get all goodie two-shoes with me super-mom." Dawn growls angrily. "You just wait you little rich bitch you'll get yours."

"Hey hey do not talk to my wife like that or use that language in front of my son." Sandy says protectively stepping in front of Kirsten.

"Turning your back on your father too you worthless piece of shit." Dawn raises her hand to Ryan and the boy's eyes close in resignation waiting for the sting on his cheek.

"Don't you dare." Kirsten is firmly holding Dawns wrist. Sandy scoops down to pick Ryan up effectively keeping him out of harm's way.

"Keep 'em I don't want 'im." Dawn slurs getting in to her car.

"Dawn..here." he quickly passes Ryan off to Kirsten then runs to the car. "Dawn come on you've been drinking let me give you a ride home. Reluctantly and bitterly Dawn agrees and Sandy leads her to his car hoping she passes out immediately.

Ryan stares after the car in a daze watching the taillights, and his biological mother drive away. When they fade Kirsten carries him inside still worried he has yet to make a peep. He is still gripping her tightly though and Kirsten finally, finally understands something words have been thrown at Ryan left right and centre to the point where they don't even matter to him anymore. At too young an age he understands that people can say things they don't mean and although that helps him deal with his mother it makes it hard for him to accept love. Instead of telling Ryan how much she loves him Kirsten has to show him like she has already been trying to do. There are no magical words to make this night go away.

With a heavy sigh Kirsten sits on couch Ryan's arms still around her neck like he's afraid she'll slip away if he lets her go. She presses a long kiss to the top of his head before gently resting her chin on his sandy blonde hair and holding him as tight as she can. They sit for about 20 minutes until a sob bursts out from some place deep within Ryan. He buries his head deep into the crook in Kirsten's neck hot tears of disappointment and hurt flowing down his cheeks.

"Oh baby." Kirsten breathes wanting to wipe at her own tears but not daring to let Ryan out of her vice grip.

"I love you. I love you. I love you." She repeats in his ear as he begins to relax against her.

"Do you wanna talk about it sweetheart." Kirsten says softly, stroking his hair as he lies on her chest.

"No." He whispers quietly a small tremble still coursing through his body.

"Do you wanna go sleep in me and Sandy's bed?

"No." Kirsten feels a little smile play at her lips as he settles more securely into her embrace.

"Do you wanna stay right here?"

"Yeah." He lays his head back on her shoulder and Kirsten leans down to kiss his hairline and brush the last traces of wetness off his cheeks.

The door opens and Sandy rushes into the living room right in front of Ryan.

"Hey kiddo are you ok?" Ryan looks away uncomfortably and Kirsten runs a hand up and down his arm.

"We're not talking about it." Kirsten says shoving over so Sandy can sit down on the couch with them.

"Ok." Sandy says calmly placing an arm around Kirsten so both her and Ryan can cuddle in.

"Daddy is she gone?" Sandy looks up to see Seth peering down the stairwell looking at Ryan with concern.

"Yeah she's gone kid come here." Seth bolts down the stairs into Sandy's lap and for once in his life stays quiet as he lies, protected, in his father's embrace. For the first time probably ever they sit as a family in peaceful, comforting silence. Kirsten and Sandy knows Ryan has to talk about this experience at some point but don't feel the need to press it tonight. They can give him security, time to process the night and talk about it when he understands what he wants to say.

"So Ryan's officially a Cohen now." Seth finally succumbs to the urge to talk after a few moments.

"Yes Seth shh." Kirsten looks down to find Ryan has finally cried himself to sleep.

"Ok mister bedtime." Sandy says shooing Seth up the stairs fondly as Kirsten carefully stands up trying her best not to wake Ryan.

In his exhaustion he doesn't rouse when Kirsten changes him in to a pair of PJs and tucks him in under a large mound of covers

"I love you baby." She whispers brushing back his unruly bangs. Kirsten softly presses her lips to his forehead before tiptoeing out the door.

"Mommy?" He says sleeply.

"Yeah honey?"

"I love you too." Kirsten smiles and walks back to the bed smoothing his hair one last time.

"Glad to here it sweetie." His eyes are still hooded and so, so sad and Kirsten wishes she could take every painful thing that's ever happened away from this kid.

"Now we just need to get you to love yourself don't we?" She says thoughtfully locking eyes with her youngest son. Ryan doesn't respond but leans in to her fingers that are gently raking his hair before drifting off to sleep.

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**Glad you guys like the last chapter….Ryan just might get sick again haha**

**As for Frank he's in prison….for now….**

**Next up: Ryan's first soccer game**

**A/N2: sorry I haven't written all the requests but I do consider everything you guys suggest but some things either don't fit with where I want to go or are coming a little later…Ryan is going to go through his whole life in this story so be patient!**

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	9. Ryan's first soccer game

"Are you gonna score me a goal buddy?" Sandy asks tightening the laces on Ryan's small cleats. Rose had been getting steadily sicker and Caleb's promise to teach Ryan soccer had to be put on the back-burner. Knowing it was important to Ryan, Sandy had signed him up or Peewee soccer and it was finally Ryan's first game, the day they all had been waiting for.

"Is Mommy coming?" Ryan asks hesitantly.

"Of course kid she wouldn't miss it for the world." Sandy says with a smile checking the missed calls again on his phone to see if Kirsten has called. Ever since she heard Rose had stopped responding to treatment Kirsten had been in her own little world barely noticing the kids or Sandy.

"Ryan let's go!" Luke yells from the field. The boys have tentatively become friends but nothing made Sandy so proud as when Ryan had crossed his arms and firmly stated that he couldn't be friends with Luke unless Luke was friends with Seth. The awkward trio of misfits were slowly becoming good friends something Sandy and Kirsten were both grateful for.

"Go play I'll be watching right here and Mom will be here in a sec I'm sure she's caught in traffic ok?"

"She's always caught in traffic." Ryan mutters as he runs off to join Luke. 'Stuck in traffic' was the excuse Sandy brought out when she missed another dinner to be at the office or missed a school play because she was at the hospital. With a heavy sigh Sandy tries Kirsten again before turning his attention to his blonde son darting up and down the field. Every time the whistle blows Sandy can see Ryan's blue eyes slide to the sidelines, checking for Kirsten.

"Kirsten?" Sandy exclaims seeing her name pop up on the caller ID. "Where are you honey you're missing Ryan's first game!" He hears a chocked sob on the other line and immediately stiffens.

"Honey what's wrong?"

"My mom…" Sandy feels his heart drop as she continues to sob. "Sandy she's…"

"Kirsten baby I am so sorry." Sandy offers lamely searching for something more comforting to say. "Where are you? Are you at home?"

"I'm at my Dad's" She manages to squeak out.

"Ryan and I will be there as soon as we can ok?" Sandy offers reassuringly.

"NO! I don't want the kids to see me like this I'm a mess. I'll be home later tonight ok?"

"Kirsten.."

"Please Sandy I just need some time." Sandy reluctantly agrees and turns his head back to Ryan who is obliviously chasing the ball up and down the field.

"Man that was a good goal." Mr. Ward says coming over to Sandy.

"Huh?" Sandy asks snapping out of his daze.

"Ryan's goal? He was screaming for. You didn't you see it?" Sandy closes his eyes in shame.

"Fuck." He grumbles noticing how Ryan is no longer looking at the sidelines. For a moment Sandy debates pulling Ryan out of the game to tell him about Rose but realizes that they have let him down enough as parents the last week and the kid deserves a break because he knows Kirsten isn't going to handle her mother's death well and has a feeling that the kids are going to suffer the consequences.

"Great game kiddo. Your first goal that's quite impressive." Sandy comments as Ryan walks off the field. Ryan doesn't say anything just looks up with disappointed eyes and keeps walking towards the car.

"Ryan, Ryan honey wait we need to talk." Ryan stops walking and crosses his arms refusing to look Sandy in the eye.

"Let's go sit." Ryan hesitantly follows Sandy to the curb, all his defensives up. "Ryan there's a reason your mom didn't make the game today."

"She doesn't want me anymore?" Ryan asks softly trying for nonchalance but failing miserably.

"God no that's not it at all Ryan." Sandy exclaims a little worried this is still an issue. "Ryan look at me." Ryan raises his fear-filled eyes up to meet Sandy's, the uncertainty in them breaking his heart.

"Ryan your mom and I love you, we will always love you and your home will always be with us ok?" Ryan nods but there is still that wisp of disbelief that Dawn's visit has permanently placed in Ryan's eye.

"Kirsten missed the game because Grandma Rose died today." Ryan looks up in shock and Sandy puts a hand on Ryan's shoulder.

"I'm sorry honey I know you love Grandma Rose very much." Ryan nods allowing Sandy to envelope him in a huge hug.

"Mommy must be sad." Ryan says softly as they walk to the car.

"Yeah she's very sad."

"Mommy always gets me a treat when I'm sad." Ryan explains tentatively. "Maybe we should get her a treat." Sandy smiles down at how quickly Ryan's concern for his mother trumped his disappointment she missed his first soccer game.

"Come here kid." He says buckling Ryan into the booster seat. "I'm very, very sorry I missed your goal." Sandy says cupping Ryan's neck as the boy looks down bashfully. "I wanted to see that very much." Ryan smiles shyly and nods accepting the apology immediately. Sandy smiles in relief and lightly ruffles the kids hair before swinging by the Roberts' to pick up a teary Seth wondering exactly how things got this bad.

The weeks after are pure torture. Kirsten is a mess, barely acknowledging Ryan and Seth. Sandy is too busy for the kids as well trying to keep Kirsten sane and make all the appropriate arrangements. Caleb just simply refuses to talk to anyone.

"I'm bored." Seth whines swinging his feet restlessly. Ryan shrugs in agreement watching the last members of the wake leave.

"I think we should run away." Seth says firmly. Ryan raises a skeptical eyebrow but cocks his head to the side, his universal signal that he is still listening to Seth's babble.

"Think about Mom doesn't want us anymore and Dad wouldn't care." He continues bitterly.

"You really think Mom doesn't want us anymore?" Ryan asks tentatively thinking back to Dawn for the first time in a long time. What was so wrong with him that he made all the people in his life who claimed to want him forever suddenly stop?

"Honestly, no, she's done with us." Seth says miserably. "And her and Dad have been fighting and Summer says that that means they're gonna get a divorce."

"Then we can't run away!" Ryan states emphatically. "We have to stay here and make Mom and Dad happy so they won't get a divorce. If we're really good they'll stay together." Ryan explains already concocting ideas on how to save his parent's marriage.

That is their mission for the next few days. As Kirsten got emotional and Sandy got spread to the point of breaking, the children carefully stay out of their way never asking for or receiving the parental support they had come to rely on so steadfastly. For all that Seth has taught Ryan about family it is Ryan who teaches Seth the most important part of family: sacrifice. For the parents part they don't really notice. Kirsten is too busy crying and Sandy is too busy taking on the weight of Caleb's and Kirsten's grief that the newly demurred children are a welcome sight, not another problem he has to deal with at that particular moment.

A day or so after the funeral something finally snaps. Sandy is exhausted and reading through the logistics of Rose's will that left them more money than they ever needed. Stupidly she left it to both of them. Sandy and Kirsten, the parental units, a team, Sandy wonders if they are really a team if they can't even get through this. Somehow though all the anger at the fact that Rose's death is crushing them and the unfair thought that Kirsten needs to deal with it and move on because for Christ sake the people who are still living need her, all that anger gets placed in to a mix up over dinner.

"I thought we ordered Chinese." Kirsten says tentatively when Sandy brings out a plate of linguini.

"You wanted Italian." Sandy replies in tired exasperation.

"For the dedication of the new Children's ward not tonight." Kirsten continues the hysteria rising slightly. "Italian was my mother's favorite." She says softly and Sandy feels guilty because he can't take out everything in the world that reminds Kirsten of Rose.

"I'm sorry honey I'll order Chinese."

"Do not placate me Sandy." Kirsten growls angrily. "I'm perfectly capable of eating Italian."

"Kirsten I…"

"You what Sandy? You tiptoe around me thinking that I'm going to break and it drives me mental I just can't take it anymore!" Kirsten states emphatically.

"I'm just…I'm just trying to make this work Kirsten." Sandy says with exasperation clearly on the edge of his rope.

"Sandy what…Ryan?" Kirsten says suddenly her anger fading to confusion. Ryan stands pressed against the wall watching them with downcast eye.

"Ryan?" Sandy says walking up to the obviously frightened little boy. "What's wrong kiddo?" Sandy questions softly, cringing when Ryan flinches hard at Sandy's outstretched palm. Ryan turns and runs up the stairs obviously upset. Kirsten and Sandy share a look then run up after him. Sandy hears a whimper from Seth's bedroom and immediately turns in to talk to his older son when Kirsten goes to Ryan's room.

"Ryan? Sweetheart what are you doing down here?" Kirsten asks softly when she lifts the skirt of the bed to reveal the shaking little boy.

"Being invisible." Kirsten's brow furrows at the soft explanation and she carefully slides under the bed with him.

"Why are you being invisible?" Kirsten asks softly stroking some of the hair off his face.

"So you and Daddy won't get a divorce and maybe then if we're quiet and good enough you'll like us again." Kirsten looks at him in straight up shock her jaw nearly hitting the floor. Ryan watches her facial expressions carefully learning that you can tell what people really mean by what their eyes do. Kirsten looks up briefly blinking back tears before ushering Ryan out from under the bed and in to her arms in the big, cushy chair on the side of the room.

"I never want you to be invisible." Kirsten assures him smoothing down hair she realizes hasn't been combed in days, another parental failure to add to the books.

"And sweetheart your father and I are fine no one is getting divorced ok you have nothing to worry about. People disagree and this has been…this had been a hard week." Ryan looks solemnly up in to his mother's eyes surprised and a little embarrassed to fine tears in their usually solemn expression.

"Oh god I'm so sorry Ryan." She says the realization of what an awful mother she has been hitting her full force.

"Listen to me Ryan I love you and your father and your brother more than anything in the whole wide world ok?" Ryan nods after a moment of deep consideration allowing her to plant a long kiss on his forehead. For the first time ever Kirsten reminds him of Dawn, crying, apologizing but there is something substantially different. She's holding him closes and rubbing hand in soothing circles on the back, she's apologizing for him not for her.

Ryan is content to rest a head on her shoulder taking comfort in the parental reassurance he was beginning to take for granted.

"I miss Grandma too." Ryan offers trying to convey his understanding. Kirsten's breath hitches as she wraps a throw blanket tightly around Ryan's shoulders pulling him flush to her. She rests her chin on top of his head not being able to believe that she missed the fact that all she needed was right in front of her.

"I know sweetie." Kirsten whispers into his hair blinking back tears. He's asleep moments later but he's grown too much for her to carry so she waits until Sandy finishes talking to Seth. Sandy comes in rumpled and apologetic, easily able to carry Ryan to bed. Kirsten tucks the covers up to Ryan's chin resting a hand on his cheek.

"Sandy I…" Kirsten starts not even knowing where to start.

"I love you." Sandy says gently hugging her close.

A few weeks later Kirsten misses her mother every day but she is able to live and breathe without thinking about her every minute. She tries to be the mother Rose was, loves as unconditionally as Rose did and sometimes it's enough.

"Go Ryan! Come on!" Kirsten yells from the sidelines as her son darts quickly in and out of the other players. Luke sends off as neat a pass as a 7 year old can manage and Ryan charges at it swiftly landing the ball in the net.

"That's my kid." Sandy comments with a maniacal smile to some random parent as Ryan runs back to the half-line. His eyes shift carefully over to the sidelines trying to see if they stayed. Kirsten's shrill whistle, Seth's hollering and Sandy's cheering meet his ears first though and he tosses a look to his family with a large grin.

After the whistle and a quick team meeting Ryan bolts over to his parents. Sandy picks the boy up and swings him around

"You are one hell of a soccer player!" Sandy exclaims Ryan smiles and squirms down way to old to let his father carry him.

"Did you see?" He asks Kirsten shyly even though he knows she had. Kirsten kneels down with a bright smile.

"I did see you were amazing!" Ryan grins the importance of Kirsten's approval showing obviously on his face. Moments later Seth is jumping on Ryan's back and Kirsten and Sandy are impatiently shooing their kids to the car. They aren't a perfect family, every one of them hurts and makes mistakes but they love each other and most days, that's enough.

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**sorry it took so long...i was swamped with real life trust me writing about the oc waayy better than comparing greek literature!  
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	10. The first time Sandy hit Ryan

"Dad is it almost done?!" Ryan says excitedly looking up the tree to where Seth and Sandy are nailing boards together to create a treehouse.

"Almost kid, do you want to help?" Since Kirsten's discovery they had been neglecting their children, both parents were working to spend more time being actively involved in their kid's life. Kirsten had dragged Ryan out shopping and Sandy and Seth had been finishing up the treehouse the four of them had started a few weeks earlier.

"Sure." Ryan scrambles up the ladder excitedly. "Cool we're so high up!"

"If we put a rope swing in we can fly from here to the pool!" Seth says with a mischievous grin handing Sandy a couple nails.

"But we won't because that is dangerous." Sandy says giving both of his 8 year olds a pointed look as he grabs some nails to hammer in one of the floorboards. Ryan and Seth roll their eyes conspiratorially the moment his eyes get back to the task at hand.

"Ryan can you pass me that piece of wood back there." Ryan shuffles back the edge of the frame passing Sandy a long piece of wood. With Caleb and Kirsten's help, Ryan and Seth had been allowed to design the whole treehouse themselves. Seth was more concerned with the furnishings however and both Cal and Kirsten had been amused by Ryan's interest and care when it came to designing the house. Caleb even went as far as to declare Ryan his protégé and immediately insisted on taking the boy on an architectural tour.

Ryan is deep in thought when Sandy misjudges the length of the wooden plank and spins around, knocking Ryan hard enough in the jaw to send him flailing out of the treehouse to the ground 10 feet below.

"Oh my god." Sandy exclaims as he hurries down the ladder, Seth's screams causing him to fly in to full panic mode.

"RYAN!"

"Ryan, come on kiddo wake up." Ryan's lip twitches and Sandy gently strokes the side of Ryan's face as he looks down the boys distorted arm.

"Sweetheart can you hear me?" Sandy practically begs resisting the urge to pick Ryan up and cradle him. Ryan's eyes blink open.

"Thank god." Sandy says in relief. "Do you remember what happened buddy?" He says gently placing a hand on Ryan's shoulder to keep him from moving and to shield the view of his broken arm. Ryan thinks for a moment before hurt, disbelief and something disturbingly close to resignation flash before his eyes.

"You hit me." Ryan whispers softly before trying to shuffle away from Sandy's hand and passing out, the confusion still on his face. Sandy feels his throat go dry because those were three words he promised himself we would never, ever have to hear his child say to him. His child is hurting and all he can hear is 'you hit me' repeated over and over again in that soft-spoken vulnerable voice. Sandy hears himself as a child saying the same thing to his Dad, the trust zapped out his voice.

"Ryan!" Seth's scream of terror reached Kirsten's ears and she materializes at the side of Ryan. He blinks away again and stares at Kirsten. His eyes look down to his broken arms and his eyes tear up as if he just realizes it hurts.

"Mommy!" He cries desperately sitting up as much as he can and reaching for Kirsten. Even though he is too heavy for her to carry around like she used to she picks him up carefully avoiding his broken arm.

"I'm right here sweetheart everything is going to be ok." She starts off towards the car holding Ryan close whispering reassurances in to his ear. Seeing Kirsten struggle with Ryan's weight Sandy goes to relieve Kirsten the way he has done so many times before. For the first time though Ryan flinches, hard and unapologetically, gripping Kirsten with fearful, hurt eyes. Sandy looks at Ryan in shock but Ryan's eyes simply look down in disappointment as he scrubs his face on Kirsten's shoulder.

"Sandy drive." Kirsten says curtly as she gets into the backseat with Ryan and Seth. He gives her a fearful look as she releases him into the car.

"Tell me what else hurts baby?" Kirsten asks softly. Ryan's hand raises to his mouth and Kirsten wince's in sympathy.

"Ok you're gonna be just fine but I need you to stay awake for me ok?" Ryan nods reluctantly allowing Kirsten and Seth to keep him conscious through mindless chatter.

"It hurts." Ryan protests feebly as Kirsten helps him out of the car.

"I know baby you're being such a brave boy." She assures him as Sandy runs to get a doctor and fill out the forms.

Ryan gets a blue cast and instructions to be woken every hour. Worst of all, the hospital dentist has to schedule a root canal for a dead tooth for tomorrow. There is no denying that it is going to hurt and Sandy is having a little trouble processing the fact that he hit Ryan hard enough to kill a tooth. They'd like to keep him overnight but they're low on beds. Kirsten doesn't care if Ryan is a 'big boy' he's sleeping in their bed or she is sleeping on the floor in his room tonight. Ryan still refuses to look at Sandy no matter how many times he apologizes and Kirsten knows that's killing her husband. Ryan accepts every apology Sandy gives with dull eyes and an unconvincing 'it's ok'. Sandy wakes every time Kirsten does and listens to her tiptoe to Ryan's room and always breathlessly asked if Ryan was ok. After the fourth time Sandy starts crying bitter remorseful tears and Kirsten looks at him in shock.

"Sandy it was an accident" She exclaims quietly drawing his head to her shoulders.

"Did you see the way he looked at me?" Sandy whispers in devastation remembering to clearly the haunted look in his eyes.

"Sandy he is 8 years old, confused and in pain ok? Everything will be ok in the morning."

Everything is not ok in the morning. Ryan is grumpy which makes Seth grumpy and having two grumpy 8 year olds is enough to almost push Kirsten on the edge. Sandy walks in to find the three other members of his family sitting in tense silence the purple bruise on Ryan's jaw a reminder of the previous day's events.

"Hey kid how are you feeling?" Sandy asks with faux-cheer.

"Fine." Ryan says quietly pushing his soggy cereal around the bowl. Kirsten's about to say something when her phone rings.

"Hi Dad…No…No I'm not coming to work today…We discussed this Ryan is having some dental work done." Sandy watches as Ryan's face pales slightly and his blue eyes flicker to Kirsten.

"Yes Dad I know they're only in from Japan for today…Well I'm sorry you're going to have to do the presentation without me…" Still hating to cause anyone any trouble, Ryan looks at Kirsten guiltily then back down to his cereal.

"Dad…I'll call you back ok?" Kirsten flips the phone shut and pulls out a calendar obviously trying to figure out how to be two places at once.

"I'll take him." Sandy says firmly but shyly. Kirsten looks up warily and Ryan tries to hide his discomfort by staring at his cereal bowl. Seth looks at everyone with interest smirking.

"You should considering you killed his tooth in the first place." Seth says with a giggle. No one else laughs.

"Seth Ezekiel it was an ACCIDENT." Kirsten stresses. "Kind of like the time you spilled paint all down the front of Summer's new dress." Seth mumbles something about curses and luck and stomps upstairs.

"You ready to go Ryan?" Sandy asks gently. Ryan nods silently and they head to the car Kirsten on their heels.

"Ok sweetheart I'm so sorry I'm not going to be there." Kirsten says kneeling down in front of Ryan. "I know it's scary but you're going to be just fine alright."

"Promise." He whispers and Kirsten kisses his forehead and pulls him in to a giant hug.

"I promise it's all going to be ok." She wants to add that Sandy will make sure nothing happens to him but since Ryan is royally pissed at Sandy right now she decides that's probably not the best idea.

As expected the drive to the dentist's office is long and tense. Ryan hates the dentist usually and his quiet fear continues to build until they get in the parking lot.

"Ok you ready to flash those pearly whites?" Sandy asks when Ryan makes no move to get out of the car.

"My teeth feel better now maybe we should just go home." Ryan says uncertainly his voice barely above a whisper.

"So I just imagined you wincing when you chewed your mushy cereal this morning?" Sandy asks walking beside Ryan.

"It's going to hurt I'm not going to lie to you." Sandy continues and Ryan pales a bit. "But you know what it's going to hurt a lot more if you don't get it done." He found out early to talk to Ryan and Seth as equals, to be straight with them and respect them. Ryan doesn't flinch as hard when Sandy places his hand on Ryan's back and leads him in to the dentist's office.

Sandy tries to persuade the dentist to let him sit with Ryan during the procedure but Dr. too-fucking-happy-to-be-drilling-children's teeth politely but adamantly refuses.

"I'm going to be right out here ok kid?" something flashes across Ryan's eyes that reminds Sandy of the time Ryan trusted him. The expression is gone with a quick nod of agreement as Ryan shuffles back to the dentist's room.

5 minutes later a now frustrated dentist comes stomping out.

"He won't let us administer the anesthesia ." Sandy smirks a little bit at the doctor's incredulity.

"How about you let me back there."

Ryan's head shoots up at the entrance of Sandy and the little boy immediately flushes in embarrassment.

"Hey kiddo." Sandy sits in the doctor's chair and gently pushes a tuft of bangs out of Ryan's eyes.

"I'm sorry you have to go through this and I know I'm not your favorite person right now but you know I would never make you do something like this if it wasn't for your own good." Sandy says softly keeping a hand on Ryan's head.

"I need you to show the dentist what a brave boy you can be ok." He knows poking at Ryan's toughness is the most surefire way to get him to do anything and, sure enough, Ryan nods slowly.

"That's my boy I'll be right outside the whole time."

"Ok Ryan you're going to feel a little prick." Sandy places a hand on the side of Ryan's head rubbing soothing circles with his thumb while protecting him from the sight of the IV. His face scrunches in disapproval when they stick the needle in and he looks at Sandy imploringly.

"You're doing great son." Sandy encourages.

"Ryan I want you to count back from 100 for me ok?" Ryan nods and locks eyes with Sandy who smiles reassuringly and counts with him.

"100, 99, 98, 97…" Ryan's eyes shut and his voice trails off. Sandy quickly gives him a kiss on the forehead and resumes stressing in the waiting room.

The hygienist tells him to sit back and relax but he knows that is definitely not going to happen and spends the next hour or so pacing around the waiting room and checking his watch.

"Mr. Cohen, you're son is waiting for you. He's a little groggy but that's to be expected after anesthesia. He did very well" Sandy nods.

"Anything I should know for at home."

"I've prescribed some painkillers and some mouthwash but everything else your wife has written down. She has all the literature." Of course she does Sandy thinks with a smile as he walks in to find Ryan blinking groggily in the chair.

"All done kiddo." Sandy says softly. There are fading tear tracks, most likely from waking up to unfamiliar faces in an unfamiliar place. Sandy goes to put a reassuring hand on his shoulder but Ryan gets out of the chair himself, looking at Sandy angrily. Sandy thanks the dentist and follows Ryan out the door surprised to see him so determined to get away. In the elevator more tears well up in Ryan's eyes and a concerned Sandy kneels down in front of him.

"Hey, hey, what's this? What's the matter does it hurt honey?" If that happy ass dentist didn't give his kid enough pain relief someone is going to get sued.

"I want mommy." Ryan chokes out moving away as Sandy tries to hug him.

"Oh kiddo I know I'm sorry she had to work." Sandy sympathizes. "You know what though we'll go home and have a sleep and she'll be there soon after you wake up ok?" Ryan wipes his nose with his sleeve childishly, reminding Sandy how young the boy still is.

"Come on hanging with your old Dad isn't so bad is it?" Sandy says trying to lighten the mood.

"No I hate you!" For a moment the world seems to stop. Ryan looks as shocked as Sandy looks hurt. They're both silent for a long second before Sandy gives a soft nod and walks towards the car leaving Ryan to watch him for a long moment wondering if he's going to be abandoned again. Despite his hurt and his anger Sandy opens the car door wide and turns around and waits for Ryan to slowly cross the parking lot. Neither of them talk on the way home. Sandy is too heartbroken to speak, not wanting to risk saying something he can't take back, and Ryan is too scared and embarrassed. Luckily the drugs take a hold of Ryan causing his eyes to drift shut long before they pull up.

After Sandy parks the car he looks at his youngest son for a long moment. Intuitively he knows Ryan doesn't mean it but it doesn't mean the bold statement doesn't hurt like hell. With a sigh Sandy walks to the passenger side of the car and carefully picks up a drugged Ryan. When he starts to rouse from the movement Sandy instinctively rubs Ryan's back with his free hand and whispers soothing words that immediately cause the boy to fall into an even deeper sleep.

It's hours later when the pain in his jaw finally causes Ryan's eyes to open.

"Hey kiddo." Sandy whispers as he places a hand on the kid's head, brushing his forehead with him thumb. Hours of sitting vigil at Ryan's bedside had made Sandy considerably less pissed and more sympathetic. Hell he'd probably hate the guy that made him go through a root canal too.

"Take this they'll make it hurt less." Ryan obediently swallows the pills and Sandy gently places an icepack on Ryan's throbbing jaw. Ryan's eyes are swimming with an obvious mixture of pain, confusion and guilt as Sandy plants a kiss on his forehead still holding the ice pack in place.

"Mommy will be home soon ok? Close your eyes and get some more sleep." Ryan nods and closes his eyes allowing Sandy to still hold the ice to his jaw.

The next time Ryan wakes up is Kirsten sitting by his bedside her face troubled.

"More pills." Kirsten says with a forced smile as Ryan sits up and swallows obediently.

"Thanks." Ryan says softly, peeking out from his bangs. Kirsten kisses his good cheek and pushes the hair out of his eyes.

"You know we're gonna have to have a talk later." Kirsten says gently remembering Sandy's downcast eyes and grim mouth as he recounted to dentist's visit.

"Sorry." Ryan says softly hating the disappointment radiating off Kirsten.

"I think it's Sandy you should be telling that too." Kirsten says with a pointed look before gently ruffling his hair.

"I'm going back to the office for awhile. Go back to sleep we'll talk in the morning." Ryan's eyes closes and he finally drifts off guiltily thinking of Sandy's face when he utter those three hateful words.

"_You little piece of shit look what you've done." Dawn yells throwing Ryan down the stairs. Ryan blinks open his eyes to find Sandy dead, blank eyes staring back at him._

"_Dad?" Ryan says in horror running over to the limp body. "DAD!"_

"_You HATE him don't you? Why do you care?" AJ sneers "You hate him just like I hate you look what you've done to him." AJ laughs harshly._

Ryan sits up in bed immediately tears and sweat mixing in on his face. Urgently he jumps out of bed and bolts in to his parent's bedroom.

"Daddy! Daddy!" Sandy bolts upright trying to fight through the fog of sleep.

"Wha? What's wrong buddy?" Ryan just stands in the middle of the room crying with a mix of relief and guilt. Concerned Sandy hops out of bed and gathers Ryan up in his arms trying to quell the hysterics.

"Ok it's ok." Sandy soothes rubbing Ryan's back. He picks Ryan up and carries him over to the bed placing Ryan securely on his lap as the boy continues to bawl into Sandy's shoulder.

"I'm sorry I don't hate you." Ryan says through hiccupy sobs.

"Oh I know kiddo, it's ok." Sandy assures him hugging Ryan tightly and planting a kiss on his head. Ryan starts to calm down in the safety of Sandy's arms as he presses his wet face in to Sandy's neck.

"Everything's ok." Sandy assures Ryan rocking the smaller boy slightly.

"Do you still love me?" Ryan asks softly remembering the hurt in Sandy's eyes earlier.

"You are one of the tree most important people in my life." Sandy says gently still cradling Ryan close. "I love you more than life itself kid."' Ryan's head stays nestled in his neck and Sandy notices the dropping eyes and slowed breathing immediately.

"Let's get you to bed." Sandy says knowing Ryan would get upset if he woke up somewhere where he didn't fall asleep.

"Wanna stay with you." Ryan says quietly holding on to Sandy's neck and cluing him in that something more than remorse triggered Ryan's uncharacteristic outburst.

"Did you have a nightmare?" Sandy asks softly. Ryan nods against Sandy's neck and Sandy runs a soothing hand down Ryan's arm.

"You wanna talk about it?

"No." Sandy nods his acquiescence and Ryan places his small hand over Sandy's heart listening to the steady beat.

"I'm right here." Sandy assures Ryan, stroking his son's hair as he slowly drifts off to sleep.

" Is everything alright?" Kirsten asks from the hallway. Sandy smiles and lays Ryan down on bed tucking the covers up to his chin.

"Yeah everything's alright." Sandy assures Kirsten who walks over to Ryan and kisses the boys forehead.

"Good I'm going to check on Seth. I'll be back later." Sandy nods because he's grateful to have this time with his son when he's still young enough to crawl into his parent's bed with a snotty nose and teary eyes. He knows that it won't be long before he's too cool for parents and too tough for comfort but right now he enjoys the fact that something as simple as being held is enough to soothe his child.

Sandy turns off the light and closes his eyes ignoring the fact that Ryan is subconsciously trying to push Sandy out of his warm spot in the bed and that his sharp little toenails are cutting Sandy's ankle.

"Daddy?" He whispers groggily. Sandy flips over to face his son.

"Mhmm?"

"I love you." Totally worth the toenail scratches.

**A/N: I do not own the OC…I didn't own it in the last chapters either**

**A/N2: PLEASE READ AND REVIEW**

**A/N3: I just started a new OC story called Men and Boys it's an AU universe where Sandy meets Ryan in residential care (like an orphanage but worse)..Cohens+1 h/c so give it a go if you want it's a little angstier than this.**

**JONSMOM!! i think you should totally finish your six months and counting...it is one of the my favorite verses and so are your other stories! (no pressure but...o who am i kidding total pressure)  
**


	11. Ryan's first time at summer camp

"Mom I want to go to Camp Tuckahoe and Ryan wants to go to the Nike soccer camp so why don't we just go to two different camps." Usually Kirsten finds Ryan and Seth's differences endearing but right now she wishes they were into the same thing.

"He does have a point honey." Sandy says, ignoring Kirsten's glare.

"I don't know guys I still think you're too young to be going to overnight camp." Kirsten says fiddling with her wedding rings.

"And the Nike camp goes for 10 days Ryan are you sure you want to be away from home that long?" Ryan doesn't even like going to the odd sleepover at the Coopers and Kirsten knew he was only going to overnight camp because Seth was.

"God Mom we're 9 years old we aren't babies anymore." Seth says rolling his eyes. "Ryan can handle being away from Mommy and Daddy for 10 days right Ryan?"

"Of course." Ryan says but Kirsten can see a hint of uncertainty in his expression. Sandy sees it too and they share a look over the table.

"Seth I don't see why you guys can't pick an overnight camp you both want to go to. I'd feel better knowing that you have each other." Kirsten admits. Seth rolls his eyes and Ryan snorts a little bit.

"Aren't you the one who says we need to spend time apart and get to know other kids?" Seth asks twirling his pasta around his fork. The two boys stuck to each other like glue at school and even the teacher was commenting that they needed to find a life outside of each other. Sure Ryan has his soccer friends but Seth is alone unless Ryan is with him. Out of school they hang out with Marissa and Summer but guys and girls don't communicate at school.

"I think our son might be a lawyer yet." Sandy says with a laugh ruffling Seth's hair.

"Look Ryan Luke will be at soccer camp right?" Sandy continues Ryan nods in response taking a large bite of pasta. "And Seth, Zack is going to Camp Tuckahoe?"

"Yeah we're going to trade comics." Seth says with an excited smile. Seth looks from one parent to the other as they stare each other down.

"Ryan and I are going to go so you can deliberate." Seth pulls Ryan from the table immediately leaving the two adults alone.

"This will be good for them Kirsten." Sandy explains. "It gives them a chance to become independent."

"Honestly Sandy, if it was just Seth I'd be more open but Ryan is so shy…and I'm worried he'll be homesick and lonely and you know he won't call us if he is." Kirsten explains.

"I hear you but we can't protect either of our kids from the world forever and Ryan will be totally in his element at a soccer camp. Worst comes to worst Kirsten they get homesick , there are a few tears, they come home and we try again next year ok?" Sandy says.

"Sandy they're so young and Ryan's arm has just healed…"

"'Ryan's arm is fine and they're nine"

"Just barely 9" Kirsten mutters because she's pretty sure Ryan's birthday cake is in the freezer.

"They're old enough to start exploring the world and we need to let them." Sandy explains. "Roots and wings baby roots and wings." Kirsten sighs and nods her agreement.

Seth is considerably more excited than Ryan and talks non-stop about camp adventures and bunk beds while Ryan just nods along offering a comment or two. Despite both Sandy and Kirsten's assurances that just because Seth wants to go to overnight camp doesn't mean Ryan has to, Ryan insists he wants to and Sandy and Kirsten almost believe him

"Ok this is it." Kirsten says pulling up to the Claremont College dorms. Ryan gives her a nervous smile and gets out of the car. He's one of the youngest boys here and Kirsten vaguely wonders if that makes her a bad mother as a 16 year old runs by pulling fancy moves on a soccer ball. Ryan is even more nervous after that and Kirsten makes his bed and subtly shifts a few 'just in case' 20's into his hand.

"Mom I don't want to do this anymore." Ryan whispers as she hugs him goodbye. A whole lot of Kirsten wants to agree and strap him back into the car and drive him home but Sandy's words ring in her ear and she gently touches the side of his face.

"Why not sweetheart? I thought you wanted to play soccer." Ryan shrugs scuffing his feet and Kirsten smiles.

"You know what I didn't want you to go away for a whole week either." Kirsten admits. "But then I realized how much fun you're going to have and all the neat experiences you are going to get." Ryan looks up at her from behind his bangs.

"It's important to try things that are new and scary." Kirsten explains. "Otherwise you are going to miss out on a whole bunch so I'll make you a deal. Today is Saturday if you still don't want to be here by Monday morning you give me a call and I'll come pick you up myself no questions no lectures ok?" Ryan considers his options and finally nods hesitantly.

"Ryan we're in the same cabin that's awesome!" Luke exclaims throwing his bag on the top bunk. A bit of tension leaves Ryan's face and he smiles at Luke and the two boys start animatedly talking about soccer.

"Ryan's nervous." Kirsten admits to Carson who smiles.

"Luke cried when he left his mother this morning."

"We're doing the right thing aren't we?" Kirsten asks desperate for assurance.

"I hope so."

After Luke gets settled and Ryan seems a little more comfortable Kirsten forces herself to say her goodbyes.

"I love you, you can call your dad and I anytime ok." Ryan nods blinking back tears. "I am so proud of you sweetheart." Kirsten assures him as she hugs him tightly.

"I love you too mom." Kirsten cups his cheek for a moment with a small smile.

"Don't forget to brush your teeth." Ryan laughs and agrees and Kirsten leaves before either of them can get more upset.

That night Kirsten cries remembering Ryan's face and Sandy has to stop her from going back to the camp and yanking Ryan out his sleeping bag.

"Seth got a little upset too Kirsten it's natural it's their first time away from home. We'll wait for Monday ok?" Kirsten agrees and her and Sandy listen to the sounds of an empty house.

Kirsten calls Ryan the moment parents calls are allowed through.

"Hey Sweetie."

"Hey Mom guess what I got on the A team and so did Luke and I met this guy Peter from Canada!"

"Did you score me a goal?" Kirsten asks with a smile more secure in her decision to leave him at camp.

"I scored you one, Dad one, Seth one and I have more to spare."

"Wow honey that's fantastic. So you're ok? You want to stay at camp?" Kirsten asks holding her breath.

"Yeah…I mean you'll still pick me up at the end right?"

"I guess I could be persuaded I mean someone has to clean up the mess in your room." Ryan laughs and Kirsten can hear someone calling for him in the distance.

"I'd better let you go I'll see you on Sunday and your father says he loves and misses you."

"Yeah ok you guys too bye!" Ryan hangs up and Kirsten listens to the dial-tone for a moment before hanging up proud of herself for not turning into a blubbering over-protective mess. Sandy reports the Seth is a capture the flag champ and for the first time in 10 years Kirsten and Sandy get to enjoy a week without the kids.

The traffic is gridlocked and Kirsten is pretty sure she could walk across the state faster than this. She calls the camp again groaning in frustration when no one picks up.

"He's going to kill me." Kirsten groans dropping her head on the wheel as the traffic starts to crawl.

She's half an hour late when Kirsten pulls up to the cabin and she can hear Ryan talking to the counselor inside.

"Look lady my mom wouldn't just leave me here something bad has happened!" Ryan exclaims the frustration evident in his voice.

"It's ok Ryan sometimes parent's are late."

"Not my mom she said she'd be here she'd be here." Ryan states firmly and Kirsten a rush of excitement at his faith.

"Ryan." Ryan looks up from his bunk at stares at her for a moment.

"I'm sorry honey a tractor trailer crashed on the freeway."Ryan returns the fierce hug and she can still feel him shaking from the adrenaline.

"Everyone's ok." She assures him. The counselor smiles over Ryan's head and leaves the cabin knowing this moment is for a mother and son.

"You ok?" She asks when Ryan finally pulls away.

"You didn't forget?" It's a question not a statement. His voice is soft and for a moment he is the little 5 year old shaking in her doorway again.

"You know could never forget about you." Ryan nods maybe believing it for the first time.

"God I missed you." Kirsten hugs him again.

"Ok mom that's enough." Ryan says as she keeps hugging him she laughs and pulls away.

"Let's get home there are some people who wanna see you." She grabs Ryan's bag and they head to the car. Other kids and some counselor's shout goodbyes and exchange phone numbers as Ryan packs up the car with a wide smile.

"Mom, mom there's someone I want you to meet." Ryan takes Kirsten over to the 16 year old boy from the first day.

"This is Jared he was one of the instructor's he taught me how to juggle and how to do other tricks." Ryan's voice is heavy with unbridled admiration as he looks up at his new god.

"Kirsten Cohen nice to meet you." The young man shakes Kirsten's hand firmly than smiles down at Ryan.

"You've got quite the boy there Mrs. Cohen." Ryan is beeming looking like someone just offered him a million dollars.

"I do."

"Next year there is a camp in Virginia. It's two weeks a little more intensive but he has the skills. He's an amazing player." Kirsten smiles and looks down to Ryan who is looking at her hopefully.

"Well that sounds like a wonderful opportunity we'll definitely consider it." Kirsten says and she means it. Because Ryan isn't a baby anymore because he trusts that his family loves him and that his home is secure.

"You keep working on those skills alright little buddy." Ryan promises and shows Kirsten a few moves and she is genuinely awed at his improvements over such a short period of time.

"Thanks for everything." Kirsten says genuinely, shaking Jared's hand again. "Come on honey let's go home." Ryan says goodbye then runs to the car with Kirsten, excited by the prospect of camp.

Not surprisingly he falls asleep half-way through the car ride. A weeks worth of late nights eating candy and yapping with the other boys had wiped him out and he is snoring by the time Kirsten pulls into the driveway.

"Ryan." Kirsten shakes him and his eyes groggily blink open. "We're home." Ryan smiles and looks out the window as Sandy and Seth come out the door.

"Hey who's that in the car?" Sandy asks in faux-confusion.

"Dad!" Ryan bolts out of the car into Sandy's hug and Sandy swings him around before setting him down and ruffling Ryan's hair.

"Who are you? My son is not this tall." Ryan rolls his eyes at Sandy's lame joke and looks around from Seth who is standing in the doorway. Both boys eye each other for a moment trying to gauge if camp has affected their friendship.

"So I was on the internet, Camp Yahoo has soccer and capture the flag." Seth comments adopting Ryan's shy smile. Ryan considers for a moment a slow grin breaking out on his face.

"Yeah?" Seth shrugs feigning nonchalance. "We should try it out." Ryan adds with a similar smile.

"Come on I got the PS2 warmed up." Seth jerks his head towards the door and Ryan runs in after him.

"It's good to have them home." Kirsten says softly.

"Roots and Wings." Sandy adds.

**Please review!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thanks for all those who already has it means a lot and allows me to read your stories as well.**

**A/N: ok so with much apology this fic is going to take a little hiatus….just until mid-Decemberish because I have exams and I value not losing my place at my university haha…then again I am queen of the multitask so I may try to get a chapter or two in there**

**A/N2: I hope you and your baby are alright jonsmom and am looking forward to your story whenever your up to posting**


	12. Ryan's first F

"Hey kiddo." Sandy says from Ryan's doorway. Ryan's eyes dart to Sandy then back to his desk.

"I got a call from your teacher today" Sandy continues sitting on Ryan's bed. Ryan doesn't respond his hesitancy and embarrassment clear.

"Ryan? Come on talk to me you worked really hard on that presentation." Sandy explains remembering helping Ryan spend hours gluing the solar system together.

"Why did you tell the teacher you didn't do it?" Ryan shrugs and Sandy sighs in frustration. Sometimes getting this kid to talk was like trying to pull teeth. Comprehension suddenly dawns and he looks back to his son.

"Oh kid it was the public speaking wasn't it." There is a long moment of silence but Ryan finally nods, his cheeks turning pink. Sandy smiles clapping Ryan on the shoulder.

"Well kid you're in luck because I happen to be a bit of a public speaking expert." Sandy says. "Come on we're taking a field trip."

"Dad..." Ryan whines Sandy pulls him out of the chair. The speech was prepared he had the index cards in order, but as he walked up to the front of the class instead of turning to the students he shoved his index cards in his pocket and told the teacher he didn't do the assignment.

"So you're afraid of public speaking." Sandy says as they pull out of the driveway. Ryan levels him with a glare and Sandy chuckles.

"Well it's not like I didn't see it coming." They both smile at that and Sandy gently presses on.

"So what exactly are you afraid of?"

"If this is your attempt to mind meld me it's not working." Ryan says petulantly. "I'm not doing my project."

"You'd rather be stuck in Grade 4 all your life while Seth and Marissa go on to college?" Sandy asks brushing over the fact that wouldn't happen.

"Don't be stupid."

"Don't be rude." Sandy counters easily pulling up to the courthouse. "Now what exactly are you afraid of?" Ryan sighs knowing he isn't going anywhere until he gets answers.

"Sometimes I lose my place and screw up the words." Ryan mumbles. "And everyone laughed when Jenny said orgasm instead of organism."

"Well kiddo lucky for you that's a quick fix." Ryan looks at Sandy uncertainly but Sandy just smiles and leads Ryan into the court room.

"Why are we at court?"

"You're going to do your speech for me." Sandy says taking out Ryan's cue cards and reading them over.

"Ok here's your problem." Sandy says gently showing the cards to Ryan. "You wrote out your whole speech verbatim." Ryan shrugs because how the hell else was he meant to list the planets. Sandy shakes his head and explains the finer points of speech writing and going with the flow. By the time the cue cards are handed back they are nearly bare reminders of what Ryan is going to say.

"You ready." Ryan looks at the court room floor nervously and Sandy smiles encouragingly.

"Kiddo it's just me." Sandy says comfortingly. "You really think I'm going to care if you mess up a word?"

"This coming from the public speaking God." Ryan mutters uncomfortably.

"Hey it took years of practise, not to mention law school, to get me over my fear of public speaking and sometimes I still get butterflies." Sandy admits. "So go face your fears and all that."

Ryan starts off shakily more focused on Sandy's reaction to his speech then on the speech itself. Sandy simply listens not allowing his face to react even with sympathy when Ryan stumbles over a word or gets off track. As the speech goes on Ryan loosens up slightly, relying on his cards less and explaining more. When he finally finishes Sandy applauds loudly.

"See...that wasn't so bad now was it?" Sandy asks getting a wry smile from Ryan.

"Yeah I can talk in front of my Dad. What an accomplishment." Ryan says sarcastically sitting beside Sandy and putting his head in his hands. Sandy rubs Ryan's back with a small smile knowing that, for Ryan, talking for 5 minutes straight in front of him is an accomplishment.

"Well that was level one." Sandy says. "I now bring you an audience."

"Sandy, are we late?" As if on cue a couple young interns walk into the room.

"No way." Ryan says shaking his head firmly "No." Sandy grimaces in sympathy nodding to the interns who smile back already knowing their jobs.

"Kiddo you can do this." Sandy says encouragingly. "I know you can, now come on up you get." Although Ryan looks older at this moment he certainly looks his 9 years. His eyes dart to Sandy's and Sandy nods softly giving the boy a warm smile. Ryan swallows hard looking at the 5 interns that Sandy brought all of whom are waiting patiently.

"I-I I'm sorry." Ryan says turning to go.

"Ryan." Sandy's firm voice stops him dead and Ryan looks back helplessly the fear evident in his eyes. "I would never ask you to do something you couldn't do. You can do this." Sandy's eyes are strong and steady as Ryan's wild eyes flip around.

"The solar system consists of the sun, 8 official planets and 3 dwarf planets..." Ryan begins his voice barley a whisper. As with Sandy's speech his confidence grows with each word and his tension is barely palpable by the end of his speech.

The interns clap obligingly when he finishes offering some advice and encouragement. Sandy thanks them and drives Ryan home knowing that the boy's fears aren't completely abated.

"Do you want me to come tomorrow?" Ryan shakes his head negatively not wanting to ruin his tough as nails reputation. "Ok then I better give you this." Sandy takes a string of pennies out of his pocket and Ryan accepts it with confusion.

"Three pennies, one was made the day Kirsten and I got married, the other the day Seth was born, and the last the day you got your appendix removed." Sandy explains. "The three happiest days of my life."

"One of the happiest days of your life was when my appendix got removed?" Ryan asks incredulously. "Because I'm pretty sure it's close the bottom of my list." Sandy laughs passing Ryan a drink from the fridge.

"It was the first time you called me Dad...actually it was Daddy then but you get my drift." Ryan looks up to Sandy with a small smile and Sandy smiles back.

"Those were the three luckiest days of my life." Sandy explains. "I never go to court without that in my pocket." Ryan nods looking down at the worn pennies.

"Do not lose those." Sandy instructs pointing a stern finger at Ryan.

"I won't I promise."

The next day Ryan makes his presentation, Sandy's lucky pennies stuffed in his jeans. His voice cracks a few times and it's surely not the best presentation in the whole class but he does it and for now that's enough.

"How did it go Ryan?" Sandy asks nervously when he picks him up. Ryan shrugs sheepishly.

"I'm proud of you." Sandy says hugging Ryan over the centre console. Ryan hugs Sandy back before pulling the pennies out of his pocket and handing them back.

"Those days weren't lucky." Ryan comments and Sandy gives him a strange look. "Or at least me calling you Dad wasn't luck...you earned it." Ryan finishes softly. Sandy swallows thickly feeling a suspicious wetness prick at his eyes.

"I love you." Sandy says in response hugging Ryan again.

"Love you too Dad."

"What's going on in here I go to give Summer a birthday invitation and you guys are re-enacting a scene from 7th Heaven." grumbles as he gets in the car. Sandy laughs ruffling an embarrassed Ryan's hair one last time before turning around and smiling to Seth.

"If we went comic book shopping would that make this momentary slip-up forgivable."

"Yeah!" Both boys say in unison as Sandy pulls out of his parking spot. Ryan's right, his marriage to Kirsten, having Seth, getting Ryan to accept his place in the family, none of those tasks were luck they were all worked for. The thing that Ryan won't understand until he has a family though is how lucky Sandy feels because he has to wonderful healthy sons and a beautiful wife. He's keeping the pennies.

**PLEASE REVIEW**

**This story is going to be slow going till after dec 15**

**If your interested I also wrote Men and Boys another OC fanfic so please R&R that too!!!!!!!!!!**

**Love **


	13. Kirsten's first spit shake

"H-Hey Mrs. Cohen. How are you?" Trey's voice filters in hesitantly from the other line.

"Trey, sweetheart we haven't heard from you in so long. I'm great. How are you?" Kirsten asks with a smile. Last year around Ryan's 9th birthday the brothers had gotten back in contact and Trey had come for a few sleepovers. Although Seth had been initially threatened by the newcomer he soon reluctantly warmed up to him after seeing that Trey's presence didn't affect his closeness with Ryan.

"Good-I'm good." Kirsten can tell he's lying but doesn't push it knowing that the contact Trey has with her family is tentative at best. The last thing she wants is to slam the doors of communication. Life with his Aunt in Fresno hadn't last long. His grades had slipped and his attitude turned abrasive and he was immediately shipped back to Dawn.

"I'm glad to hear it. You're still coming to Ryan's birthday party right?" Kirsten asks walking towards Ryan's room.

"Yes m'am...if that's ok." Kirsten smiles into the phone. She has tried to get the 11 year old to stop calling her Mrs. Cohen and m'am and use the less formal Kirsten but he hasn't budged.

"Of course honey you're always welcome here. Do you want me to get Ryan for you?"

"Yeah, thanks." She knocks on Ryan's door smiling when she sees him dozing over a comic book.

"Ryan?" She whispers bending down to his level and brushing back his bangs. Ryan grumpily opens his eyes, a petulant glare in place.

"Your brother's on the phone." Ryan's grumpiness turns to excitement and he quickly grabs the phone from Kirsten and starts talking to his brother. Although Kirsten would never dream of coming between the two brothers something about Trey made her nervous. The few times Trey had visited he seemed to have an edge Ryan didn't. Then again his life was always turbulent while Ryan's was steady even if he rarely realized it.

"Mom can Trey sleepover after my party?" Ryan calls from the room.

"Sure sweetheart." Kirsten yells back before shaking thoughts of Trey and Ryan from her head and focusing on her proposal for the zoning commission.

The next few days go by in a blur. Sandy and Kirsten are busy buying cake, balloons and party favours for the entire grade five class. Seth had declared, after one year of bullying and loneliness, that everyone should be allowed to come to his party. Wanting to encourage inclusiveness Sandy readily agreed and the tradition stuck making the Cohen parties the biggest and best of the class. Sandy and Kirsten just tried not to imagine what this would mean for their teenage years.

"Guests are arriving boys." Kirsten yells as the doorbell rings. Summer and Marissa stand at the door holding large shiny presents. Julie is talking on her cell phone holding a sleepy Kaitlin on her hip. _Thank you _she mouths gently pushing the girls in to the house.

"Come on in guys." Kirsten says waving goodbye to Julie. "The boys are upstairs do you think you can get them for me?" They both nod and bolt up the stairs yelling for Seth and Ryan. Sandy walks in with Luke strung over his shoulder.

"Look what I found. I don't know if he's invited." Sandy jokes tickling Luke. "We might have to through him in the pool!"

"Mr Cohen no!" Luke squeals in protest as Sandy laughs.

"Oh he called me Mr. Cohen those are definitely fighting words." Kirsten rolls her eyes as Sandy sends Luke on his way before she answers the ringing phone.

"Cohen residence."

"Hey Mrs. Cohen it's Trey." There is an awful hesitancy in Trey's voice and Kirsten stops.

"Hi Trey, is everything alright?" She asks stepping into the kitchen so she won't hear the sound of screeching 10 year olds.

"Uh-well Dave says that I can't come to Ryan's party anymore." Kirsten can hear the 11 year old's disappointment.

"Why not?"

"C-Cause he can't drive cause there's a game on and he can't drive." Trey answers nervously as if he knows that is wrong and is embarrassed by Dave's action.

"Ok honey how about I come and pick you up alright?" Kirsten can hear Trey hesitate.

"Uh-sure-I'll meet you at the 7-11 it's easier to find than my house." She knows he's lying but doesn't want to push her luck.

"I'll be there in about an hour." Kirsten explains the situation to grateful Ryan and leaves an incredulous Sandy with the 30 some 10 year olds.

"Don't blow out the candles without me ok?" Kirsten says kissing Ryan's forehead.

"K." Ryan says before running to jump in the pool with Seth and the other party-goers.

An hour later, Kirsten pulls up alongside a dingy 7-11 where a nervous Trey is sitting on the curb holding a poorly wrapped present. They exchange awkward pleasantries and Kirsten can't get over how much skinnier and shabbier Trey looks than he did the last time she saw him. There is something haunting about his glance and he flinches hard when Kirsten touches his arm to get his attention.

"Are you ok?" Kirsten asks hesitantly seeing his discomfort as they pull-up.

"Yes m'am." Kirsten smiles and leads Trey to the throng of sugar-crazed youth. Ryan and Seth meet him immediately introducing him and making him feel comfortable without even realizing that they are doing it. Kirsten finds herself watching Trey with concern as the day goes on though. Unannounced contact causes him to jump three feet in the air, he refuses to meet Sandy's eyes and stays close to Ryan's side nervously.

The relatively new wii that Ryan and Seth got on their 'half-birthday', the day inbetween the boys birthday when the decide on one big present to share, is brought out after the guests leave and Seth quickly finds the player three controller and immediately hooks it up.

"How are things going with Trey and Dawn?" Sandy asks quietly as they surreptitiously watch the children play. Kirsten sighs and shrugs helplessly.

"I don't know...not great." She admits biting her nails.

"We could consider..."

"I was wondering which one of us would bring that up." Sandy says with a wry laugh. "We need to think about it...see how this weekend goes before we make any decisions." They always wanted lots of kids and news of Kirsten's lazy ovary didn't give them hope and they were considering fostering another child anyways.

Soon the sugar high wears off and Sandy in Kirsten are firmly ushering the young boys up the stairs and into bed.

"Happy Birthday sweetheart I love you." Kirsten says tucking Ryan's covers up and brushing a kiss on his forehead. Ryan is already half-asleep as Sandy brushes back his bangs and adds his own kiss.

"Love you too son." They turn to leave and see Trey standing at the door a look that is part longing, part fear of being caught intruding in a moment.

"Hey honey do you have everything you need." Kirsten asks.

"I-uh I just left this." Trey says grabbing his backpack from beside Ryan's closet.

"Goodnight kid." Sandy calls as Trey bolts.

"Night Mr. Cohen, Mrs. Cohen.' He responds after a moment of surprise before making a quick exit to the guest bedroom. Sandy takes one look at Kirsten's hopeful expression and sighs.

"We need to talk don't we?" And that's what they spend the rest of the night doing.

...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

"Trey?" Kirsten asks with a knock easing the door open a moment later. Kirsten's heart stops when she sees his shirtless back. Fresh red welts are intertwined with bruises and silvery scars creating a horrifying picture of his new life with Dave and Dawn. Trey whips around looking like a trapped animal under Kirsten's gaze. He backs away slowly obviously thinking of bolting.

"It's ok." Kirsten says quickly trying to overcome her shock and horror. "Here sweetie lie down so I can fix those cuts, some of them look infected" Kirsten says gently. Trey juts his chin out defensively.

"I'm fine I don't need anything from you." Trey's response is hostile and defensive and nothing that living with Ryan for 6 years hasn't taught her to deal with.

"It's not a request." Kirsten says firmly. There is a brief battle of wills between the two. Kirsten's firm stare and Trey's angry one. After a long moment of silence Trey turns around and sits down on the bed. Kirsten grabs a washcloth and some disinfectant before returning to a wary, embarrassed Trey. She carefully wipes the blood away from the fresh gashes, careful not to touch the sensitive split skin.

"Ok this is going to sting a little." Kirsten warns. Trey rolls his eyes because a little sting is nothing compared to what caused the need for disinfectant in the first place. Despite his bravado he still winces slightly as she cleans and especially deep gash.

"Hold on sweetheart I'm almost done." Kirsten soothes and Trey flushes that she picked up on the flinch. "There we go." Kirsten says before lapsing into silence.

"She isn't a bad mother." Trey says defensively and Kirsten doesn't know who he's trying to convince. "Being alone is hard for her and-and I can handle more than she can that's why she lets me take the hits. I deserve them most of the time anyways." Trey admits, trailing off at the end of his sentance.

"Trey you do not deserve this." Kirsten says firmly. "You are a good kid."

"No offense Mrs. Cohen but you don't know me." Trey says getting off the bed.

"It's Kirsten and I know enough." Kirsten replies easily. "And I know that no child, and believe it or not that is exactly what you are, deserves to be treated this way." Trey looks at her uncomfortably for a moment before looking down.

"Whatever, I should really get going...I'll take the bus."

"You're not going anywhere." Trey raises his eyebrows and Kirsten's face softens. "You are not going back to somewhere that is unsafe. I won't allow..."

"How are you gonna stop me?" Trey bites back with more venom than an 11 year old should have. "I'm not Ryan Mrs. Cohen, save your perfecting parenting for him."

"Fair enough." Kirsten says noting with relief that Trey's face hardens in resignation and doesn't soften with relief. He doesn't want her to stop fighting for him.

"You can either stay here or I'll talk to Sandy and Child Services and find a placement for you." Kirsten says simply. Trey's mouth hangs open for a moment before he snaps it shut.

"It's only temporary." Trey insists. "Just until Dawn gets rid of Dave." Trey spits on his hand and holds it out to Kirsten. Kirsten wrinkles her nose for a moment before spitting daintily in her own hand and shaking Trey's firmly.

"Deal."

**Please R&R...and let me know if a) you guys are still interested in reading this or if you think i should let it go and b) what you think of the trey situation**

**xoxo**


	14. Trey's first family

Living with 3 boys is crazy. Ryan is the quiet one, the thoughtful one, who craves love and affection like a wilting flower craves water. Seth is rowdy and excitable, trouble, pain, unhappiness roll off of him like water rolls off a duck. Trey is lost, teetering between becoming someone who is loving, sensitive and smart or turning in to someone who is angry, cold and mean. Throughout Trey's month with the Cohens, Kirsten and Sandy have only seen the painfully hesitant politeness shine through. He finally began calling Kirsten by her first name instead of the school teacher equivalent. He still won't talk to Sandy unless the man directly addresses him.

"We need to go shopping." Kirsten says plopping down in front of the three boys. Ryan and Seth groan audibly and Trey just looks uncomfortable.

"Nuh-uh, Ryan you need new soccer stuff, Seth you need some shirts with collars and no tacky slogans not to mention a pair of runners and Trey you need some clothes and some things for your room. Non-negotiable you have 45 minutes to get to the car." Kirsten says.

"Kirsten I don't need anything...I'm not even gonna be here long..." Trey trails off helplessly. She has already bought him so much not to mention fed him.

"Regardless of how long you're staying that room is yours for when you come to visit ok?" Kirsten says with a smile. Trey channels Ryan and flushes pink before looking back down to his bowl of cereal.

"Dude don't mess with the Kirsten." Ryan mutters as they head upstairs.

"She shouldn't be buying me all this stuff." Trey responds helplessly feeling uncomfortable about all the money being spent on him.

"It's what she does." Ryan says with a shrug. "Trust me you'll get used to it." He adds at Trey's disbelieving look.

"But I mean me and Dawn we're gonna work things out." Trey says firmly. Ryan raises an eyebrow before throwing a polo shirt to Trey.

"You really think so?" Ryan asks tentatively.

"You ever think about coming home?" Ryan's face turns to stone as he faces Trey.

"I am home." The vehemence in Ryan's voice surprises Trey and Ryan immediately softens his tone. "This is my home Trey."

"But Dawn is your mother." Trey says in confusion. Ryan sighs giving a conciliatory nod.

"You're right." Ryan agrees. "But Kirsten is my mom and that's more important." Ryan shrugs and charges down the stairs Trey at his heels. Ryan fits in seamlessly with the Cohens. Kirsten's adoration was clear in every touch and Sandy's pride was obvious simply by the way he looked at Ryan. Trey knew he could never be that. Ryan was always the good one, the smart one. Dawn never hesitated to remind him of that. The longer Trey stayed with the Cohens the more obvious it got: this world wasn't his, and he is going to stop pretending this situation could work because it will only hurt more when it gets ripped away.

Trey watches from the corner as Kirsten props Ryan's foot on her lap and ties the cleats tightly. $50 she is about to shell out for a pair of kid's shin guards.

"These offer the best protection?" Kirsten asks the sales person examining the shin guards closely. It's not about the money, Trey can see that right away.

"They feel comfortable honey? You can move in them ok?" It's not even the pet names and fond touches.

"Yeah they're great." Maybe it's the dependability, the reassurances, the way that Ryan trusts that Kirsten will always be there, the fact that Kirsten worries about something as mundane as a pair of shin guards. Kirsten feels Trey's eyes on her and smiles back to him.

"Getting hungry?" Trey shrugs in response. If he's going to push away he's going to have to start before she figures out it's an act.

Seth jabbers during lunch as Ryan, Kirsten and Trey sit quietly. Seth keeps trying to draw the mutinously silent Trey into conversation but is only met with monosyllabic answers.

"Are you ok honey?" Kirsten asks quietly.

"It's not your problem whether I am or not." Trey fires back stunning everyone at the table into silence.

"Yes it certainly is." Kirsten shots back having no problem taking Trey's verbal jabs. She is a cutthroat business woman, Trey's attempts at hostility are bush league. In a way Kirsten likes the way Trey challenges her, pushes he, more than that she enjoys the look on his face when he realizes he can't goad her easily.

"Dawn?" The table lapses in to reverent silence. "Tomorrow...ok...that's fine...see you then...you too." Kirsten looks at Trey with a sad smile.

"Dawn wants to see us." Trey on the other hand is elated, because for his mother to want to see him that means she is sober and guyless, both of which totally work for Trey.

"Finally I'm out of here" Trey mumbles ignoring the hurt expression the briefly flashes on Kirsten's face and the glare Ryan shoots him.

An hour of uncomfortable silence and subtly veiled insults later Kirsten is driving the three boys home in stony anger.

"How was shopping?" Sandy asks looking up from the pasta he is cooking.

"Sucked." Trey says simply before turning and walking out of the room.

"Trey...hey kid what's wrong?" Sandy asks running to catch up to Trey and gently placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't touch me." Trey snaps back daring Sandy to go further. Much to his annoyance Sandy's eyes are filled with understanding and compassion even if they are tinted with disgruntlement.

"You don't have to do this." Sandy says softly but seriously. "You don't have to push us away." Trey stands, dumbstruck, for a moment and Sandy see's him for what he is, a scared, defenceless kid who isn't that far from being lost completely.

"Save your Dad chats for Ryan, they don't work on me." Trey shoots back stomping up off the stairs and throwing himself on to his bed.

"Why are you being such a jerk?" Ryan's voice comes from behind him. The kid looks too comfortable in a polo shirt for Trey's liking and he shakes his head.

"Don't you get it. You fit here Ry. I don't. Kirsten maybe your mommy but she sure as hell doesn't care about me." Ryan looks down uncomfortably.

"I'm what you would call irreparably damaged Ryan, I'm nothing. Aunt Lily kicked me out, Ma kicked me out even Grandma only let me stay a weekend. I'm not the 'good one'. I'm the one Ma had too young. So the sooner you guys stop pretending I belong here the better." Trey shoots back his own feeling of inadequacy bubbling to the surface. Kirsten and Sandy here the bitter words from downstairs and Kirsten groans placing her distressed head on her hands.

"Sandy what are we going to do?" Kirsten whispers quietly.

"Fix it." Seth's voice comes from the stairwell.

"Seth honey he has a broken heart not a broken arm." Kirsten explains softly.

"Good thing cause you wouldn't know how to fix a broken arm." Seth responds before walking upstairs.

"Kirsten, Trey won't even look me in the eye." Sandy says helplessly. "I can't make this better. You're the one he trusts, however marginally. It's the same as it was with Ryan it's going to take him a while to warm up to me" Sandy says sadly. Kirsten knows that look. It's the same depressed, helpless look Sandy wore when a 5 year old Ryan spilled his juice and curled in a ball to protect himself from the beating he thought was impending.

"Alright I'll go talk to him." Sandy nods and Kirsten tiptoes up to Trey's room.

"Can I come in?" She asks softly.

"It's your house." Kirsten takes that as a yes and enters sitting down on the edge of Trey's bed. He is facing away but Kirsten can feel the tension radiating off of him.

"You are not irreparably damaged, not even close." Kirsten begins softly resisting the urge to reach out and touch the boy in front of her who is trying so desperately to be hard and mean.

"You are not here just because of Ryan. You are here because you are family to me, to Sandy, to Seth as well." Kirsten decides that resisting touch is useless and reaches over to rest a hand on his back. She can hear his heart thumping rapidly through his rib cage, nerves, uncertainty, disbelief pulsing through him.

"Whatever happens with your mom tomorrow will not change the fact that you are family, that you are important to us." Kirsten rubs a circle on his back gently.

"Don't push us away sweetheart. It can't be done." Trey doesn't respond but doesn't pull away from Kirsten's hand either and she takes that as a minor success.

"Goodnight Trey, sleep well." Kirsten gets up and walks to the door.

"Kirsten." She spins around and looks at Trey who is facing her with a face full of guilt and apology. "Goodnight." Kirsten smiles and closes the door deciding to quit while she's ahead.

"He's not bad." Ryan's voice trails out from his bedroom to the hallway stopping Kirsten from going immediately to check on Seth.

"I know that Ryan." Sandy's voice has taken on that low, comforting tone it gets when he is trying to calm one of his children down.

"You're gonna make sure he's ok?" Ryan rarely asks for anything and Kirsten can't help but smile at the fact that Ryan trusts Sandy with this huge responsibility.

"I promise I will do everything I can for him." Sandy swears gently kissing the top of Ryan's head.

"I love you kiddo get some sleep. I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a long day."

=================================================================================== _

"You're still gonna come hang out right?" Seth asks from the counter a spoonful of cereal in his mouth. It was Seth that Trey was instantly the most comfortable around. He is too jealous of Ryan, too unsure of where they stand to let his guard down fully with his perfect younger brother. Kirsten is so kind and full of love that he is afraid to get used to it and Sandy is just plain scary. Seth was light and funny and let Trey borrow his most precious comic book.

"Yeah man." Trey says flashing a smile to Seth.

"I mean summer is almost over but still there are weekends, religious holidays." Seth says wishing Trey could stay.

"PD days" Ryan adds from across the table. Trey smiles bashfully at Ryan giving a little nod.

"Trey you ready to go?" Kirsten asks. There are tired circles under Kirsten's eyes created after long hours of discussing options with Sandy. They have room for another child, they have wanted another child for a while now, but Trey has made it clear he wants his mother and that is something they both have to respect now matter how much they love him.

"Trey wait." Ryan runs up and gives his brother a hug, startled, Trey pauses for a minute before hugging Ryan back.

"Don't believe everything she says ok?" Ryan whispers after a moment's hesitation. "And call, you know, if she brings home a guy." They share a look of understanding and Trey nods after a moment.

"It's not gonna be like that anymore you'll see." Ryan smiles hesitantly. "Chill out man I'll be fine. Love you like a brother, brother." Trey says holding his fist out to Ryan. Ryan taps it with a smile glad to have reformed their connection. Trey regards Seth for a moment before holding out his fist.

"You too man." Seth smiles widely before pounding Trey's fist.

"Really? Dude that is so awesome!" Ryan rolls his eyes, cuffing Seth on the side of the head before Trey leaves.

Kirsten and Sandy drop Seth and Ryan at the Coopers before turning on to the freeway and driving back towards the inner-city of Chino Hills. Trey sits, nervous but excited in the back seat, listening with a smile as Kirsten and Sandy inform him of weekend trips, family vacations and Chrismakkuh dinners he is going to be a part of.

They agreed to meet Dawn at the relatively neutral location of Mill Park, walking distance for Dawn and private enough to not cause a scene should anything happen. Kirsten realizes that was probably a good choice as it takes her two seconds to notice Dawn is hammered.

"I got the papers from the courts and signed them." Dawn says drunkenly disregarding any greetings and not even looking at Trey. Kirsten and Sandy stand in stunned silence for a moment...papers?

"Mom?" Trey asks expressing the confusion Sandy and Kirsten are feeling.

"Dave said he'd stay if you left sweetie. You understand don't you?" Trey's eyes fill with hurt.

"Dawn..." Kirsten says softly unable to even continue her thought. Dawn expects her child to understand that he is being sent in to foster care so that his mother's ass of a boyfriend won't dump her. Kirsten thinks of Ryan and Seth and immediately feels sick at Dawn's actions because she knows, without a shadow of a doubt that, if Sandy had ever raised his hand to one of her kids she would be gone in heartbeat, kids in tow.

"Dawn you're not actually doing this?" Kirsten whispers. Ryan's arrival was clean cut. Kirsten never had to see the process of a mother abandoning a child.

"What you think you're such a damn good mother you take him." She spits out. "He's exactly like father. He's gonna end up in prison, smoke Marlboro Lights and drink away every paycheck."

"I thought you left Dave?" Trey says fighting to keep the tears out of his voice. "I thought it was gonna be you and me. You're signing me away?" Trey's voice is filled with such naiveté that it makes Kirsten's stomach churn.

"Come on honey." Kirsten says shakily bending down to face a teary Trey at eye level. Trey looks away, unable to face Kirsten like this.

"Let's go home." Any potential tears from Trey turn straight to anger.

"How could you do this?" Trey yells at Dawn. Dawn tearfully lights a cigarette.

"Baby you gotta understand Dave is all I got."

"You have me." Trey whispers brokenly.

"It ain't the same babe...It ain't enough" Dawn says sadly. Trey recoils like he has been slapped trying to stop the onslaught of tears. Sandy quickly grabs the guardianship form and scrawls his name on the bottom, his jaw clenched in anger.

"We're Trey's legal guardians now." Sandy says scared of saying more in fear of blowing up before passing the paper to Kirsten who signs without hesitation.

"Come on Trey." Sandy says softly, placing a reassuring hand on the distraught boy's shoulder. Trey shrugs it off.

"No." Trey yells, bolting away from the scene. Kirsten is about to go after him but Sandy stops her and nods his head towards Dawn before charging after Trey easily overtaking the younger boy.

"Trey stop, stop." Sandy says holding the boy firmly by his shoulders. Trey's eyes flash with fear and Sandy has to fight the urge not to remove his hands.

"Listen it's going to be ok, ok?" Sandy says urgently keeping his hands on Trey's shoulder as the reality of the situation registers with Trey, the easy abandonment, Kirsten's horror, Sandy's rash signature.

"Come here." He says softly pulling the boy into the first hug he's had in a long time. Trey struggles for a moment against Sandy, punching angrily at his chest and stomach.

"No! I don't want you! I don't want you!" He yells.

"I know kid." Sandy whispers gently. Trey's pounding stops and he grabs Sandy's sweater holding the fabric desperately.

"I want my mom." Trey protests, sobbing into Sandy's shoulder. The plea is so honest, so young and so unlike Trey that is causes a tear to spring to Sandy's eye. Forcing himself to stay calm Sandy's holds Trey's head to his shoulder. Sandy's heart clenches at the feeling of hysterical tears on his neck.

"I know." Sandy soothes calmly as he gently strokes Trey's hair.

"I don't want you." The protest is feebler this time, a chocked whisper, but is none the less heart-wrenching. His actions don't match his words as he stays buried in Sandy's arms grasping Sandy's back.

"I know kid, but you've got me and I'm not going anywhere." Sandy reassures the boy, holding on to him as his breaths slow and he calms down. Trey keeps his head against Sandy's shoulder partly for comfort and partly because he is too embarrassed to show his face after his outbust. Sandy lets him take as long as he wants, staying solid, steady. Hesitantly Trey removes his face from Sandy's neck expecting to see pity, anger, repulsion maybe even a laugh at his expense. Sandy's eyes are simply heavy with understanding as he gently reaches up to wipe the tears off the boy's cheeks.

"Sorry." Trey whispers and Sandy shakes his head.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, nothing." Sandy stands up and places a steadying hand on the boy's shoulder. Trey nods after a moment determined not to cry again and Kirsten walks over watching as Trey stares at Dawn's retreating back.

"Come on honey." Trey lets Kirsten take his hand and the three of them walk to the car still in a daze.

They arrive back at the Newport house after a long and mostly silent car ride. Trey's bag of possessions in the back seat. Kirsten calls Julie to send the boys back over and they walk through the front door laughing and talking. Both stop dead when they see Trey.

"What?" Seth says simply trying to control his smile. Ryan is caught somewhere between excitement and concern.

"Trey's gonna stay with us now." Kirsten says simply.

**A/N: So as you can tell I have decided to keep Trey because I wanted to take a risk and its more outside my comfort zone. However this story will focus on Ryan. This chapter obviously needed to be Trey heavy to get Trey into the story.**

**I am going to be writing a companion piece called the 'Trey Chronicles' which will be in this verse but focusing on Trey as he finds himself in the family and as his relationship with Kirsten and Sandy develop. Remember this is Trey at age 11 (I closed the age gap for my own purposes haha) in the words of Sandy he is not a criminal mastermind he is a kid who has no one and nowhere to go. **

**First chapter of the Trey Chronicles will be posted soon on both LJ and here and I am in the process of transferring both Young Ryan and Men and Boys over to LJ....but I'm lazy so it might be awhile**

**To my lovely reviewers:**

Clarissa – Thanks for pointing out the spelling I have made a better effort to revise in this chapter.

Snow6835 – Ryan's feelings will be addressed in the next chapter!

Chiclete- Ryan will be the central character from here on out I missed writing him too!

Lexie and ChrisUSA – your opinions were considered...hopefully I can make you like him...I wanted to take a risk with this story so let me know how you think I'm doing!

Ansy Pansy , MerDer fan – I hope I'm able to keep it interesting for you guys though Trey will be in this story he will be the central character in Trey Chronicles (which will be like this story but with Trey)

DarkSpirit – I am looking forward to writing Trey as Seth's big bro as well....I guarantee he will take his job seriously.

Soph – Thank you so much for adding this to your bookmarked stories that is such a compliment. As you've probably gathered this story will focus on Ryan from here on, though Trey will still be involved. Trey's life will be written in Trey Chronicles

Jade St. Jms – I think you're right about Trey ;)

Everyone else thanks for reading and reviewing your feedback is cherished and considered every chapter. ..Thanks for sticking with this story...and like said in early chapters if you have any suggestions of Young(er) Ryan let me know!!!!

_**PLEASE REVIEW**_...even if the review isn't positive I'd love to hear your thoughts

xoxo


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